It's been a hot minute!

My broke ass went to check my AdSense account to see if I have any money and can cash that out (I don't- $0.97 after 3 years...) and saw that my last post was nearly a year ago. Holy shit. Obviously, a lot of stuff has changed in the past year, but here's the short version:

• I directed my first independent short film.
• It's not finished with post-production yet, but once it is I'm posting a link here for sure!
• I was involved with a TON of student films on a wide variety of jobs.
• I think I want to become a talent manager.
• I helped found a chapter of a film fraternity at my college!
• It's been a ride, but the people are amazing.
• I've been working an on-campus job as an assistant at one of the dorms, and I love it.
• I'm working on my very first "real" professional film job! I'm a Production Assistant on a Dwayne Johnson movie that's coming out next spring. It's really hard work, but it's so so cool at the same time.
• I've been having some kidney-related health problems, and still don't totally know what the cause is.
• I had kidney stones earlier in the spring and have been dealing with them ever since.
• Because of the kidney stones, I went vegan to help cut out excess calcium and sodium in my diet since that contributes to stone development.
• I'm a terrible vegan. Y'all know my weakness for mac and cheese...
• I'm starting to realize how FUCKING STRESSFUL adulthood is. Medical bills are a bitch and with Trumpcare coming close to existing, I'm pretty fucked for finding health insurance once I'm kicked off my parents' insurance...
• Tomorrow, I sign a lease for my first apartment. I'm stoked.
• The place has no AC, but I'm still PUMPED.
• I'm more broke than I was in high school, currently, and BOY is it stressing me the fuck out!!! I don't even know if I would be writing this if it wasn't for the fact that I'm broke. I'm on a very strict no-buy/no-uber/no-nothing-but-work-or-things-that-are-free.
• Last, but certainly not least and hands-down the most significant thing on the list: I'm dating my best friend and I couldn't be happier. 

While I'm stressed about 9,000 things, overall I've improved a lot this year and my mental and emotional health are in the best state they've been in ages. While I'm very afraid for the future in general, I'm excited about all the awesome things to come. 

I don't know if I'm going to go another 11 months without a post, but either way, that's everything.

If you wanna help a bitch out, venmo me a few bucks PLEASE :P @Emily-Dunn-18

Life is killing me softly but what else is new?

Oh my god being home is destroying me. I miss my friends from school so much, I haven't felt this alone in a really long time. I'm doing my best to get money and stuff as a distraction from my loneliness but I'm so stressed out about the thought of growing up and being broke. Also I'm beginning to notice signs of aging and I hate my body and I hate myself and I'm feeling a lot of things right now. I'm really trying to get better about this but it's not something that you can just overcome in a week. Overcoming anxiety, depression, and years and years of self-hatred is FUCKING DIFFICULT. 

I've been cleaning and clearing out my room over the past few days. My mom said that everything in this room will eventually move to Chicago with me. I'm pretty skeptical about that, but at this point it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. 

Tinder (yeah, I know it's pathetic) makes me want to vomit. When I used it to mess with people and get material for standup comedy it was fun. Now it just makes my soul sad. I dunno, I just can't really connect with somebody that I've never met before and don't really have any intentions of meeting. And then there are SO MANY GROSS PEOPLE on there oh my god it's awful. I know that it's probably best for me to be single now and probably for a little while, but I still get eaten alive by 1.) the fear of dying alone, 2.) the need to be somebody's everything, 3.) the desire to take care of somebody and show them how much they mean to me, and 4) my aching need for intimacy. I just want to be held and feel loved again. While my friends at school help with my desire to care for others, they can't really meet my need for physical intimacy because platonic cuddling is nearly impossible for some people/frowned upon.

Also, humanity is terrible. So much violence and hatred over the past few days. I really feel for my POC friends and the entire POC community, as well as the families of the police officers in Dallas who lost their lives. I don't know what more I can do beyond express that and just be there for anybody who needs somebody to talk to about it. 

I don't want to have to choose between a schoolyard bully who brings out the worst in Americans and somebody who I don't trust who hasn't consistently reflected my beliefs. There's an amazing Libertarian candidate, Gary Johnson, but I'm worried that by voting for a third-party candidate I'll "throw away" my vote and enable a victory for somebody who isn't fit to run the country.

Everything kinda sucks right now.

Fuck, I really need a hug and a good cry.

Long time, no Post

Well I've been a piece of shit about posting, haven't I? I disappear for three months, write a long and emotional update, promise to be better, then I disappear again! I really need to work on myself there, don't I?

Here's the short version of all the things that have passed since my last post:

• I started seeing a therapist at school. She's great! 10/10 Emily's would recommend getting emotional help even when you don't think you'll need it because you never know when you will!
• I got my ears double-pierced in late March. FINALLY. 
• I did some work as a makeup artist on sets for school, and helped cast a few projects. I'm currently in the process of building a database of actors that I can regularly contact for student films or any project that I've been asked to cast. HOPEFULLY by the time I graduate I'll have sufficient means to work as a freelance casting agent.
• I moved out of school in early June. I miss it terribly and I miss my friends and I miss being away from my parents and the state of Ohio.
• I was in Ireland and England the past 12 days. It was awesome, Brexit problems aside! I would love to live in the U.K. someday.
• I'm trying, once again, to lose weight. Meh.
• I got not only one, but TWO JOBS for this summer, so fuckin' A right here! I'll be working as a receptionist and as a server at a country club. I really need it, I'm broke as fuck.
• I'm Executive Producing (THAT'S RIGHT!!!!) a short film of my friends', and I am incredibly excited about it!!!! You can believe that I'll be sharing the IndieGoGo link  on this blog- please donate if you can, or share it!
• I've been asked to direct a short called Dinner Theater, which will be shot in early September! I'm really excited about the opportunity and the fact that I'm getting recognition from my peers for my directing/comedic style. I'll be sure to post it on here!

So that's BASICALLY my life since my last post.

Catch-up

Jesus Christ the past few weeks have been hell. There was a 30-hour stretch last week that was the worst of it all. Here's the essentials of what you need to know:

• I had a lot of projects and assignments for school all going on at once and they stressed me the fuck out.
• I helped cast two student films which also was incredibly stressful.
• The guy I was seeing gave me hella anxiety. Then he broke things off with me last week and it's been a whole mess of problems that I just don't want to go into anymore because I've already suffered enough because of him and just want to heal.
• I lost my internship because my bosses were incredibly worried about my mental health. They saw me wearing myself thin, barely sleeping, and getting eaten alive by anxiety and depression, and they were scared for me.
• My friends have been doing their best to pull me out of this hole but I still feel like I'm being buried alive. This is the lowest point my life has been in in almost three years.
• I'm seeking professional help because I can't fight this alone anymore.

"Going Slow"

Guess what.

Yep, it's a guy again. Specifically, the guy I mentioned in my last post.

He's great, really, he is! He just has a tendency to get me really nervous. Aaaand that's sort of caused some drama between us. The drama has passed, but here's a recap:

• Being a person who needs constant validation and reassurance that, yes, I am liked and that I'm not being led on (as I was so frequently last quarter), I started to get extremely anxious because I didn't know where I stood with him.
• I finally worked up the courage to just ask where I stood with him, and it was not a fun time! Basically he said stuff that made him want to put his foot in his mouth and had hurt my feelings, and it created a rift.
• Dramatic texts ensue that nearly brought me to tears and definitely didn't make him feel great, so I basically said "shut up, this is scaring me. I'll talk to you tomorrow." I apologized later, and we started to talk about all of our baggage.
• He was scared about moving too fast into things because he has dated some pretty not-good people and doesn't really want to let people in until he feels that he knows them incredibly well. I understand that, and I'm pretty down with that. I'm more than happy to move at his pace, he means a lot to me.

After all of that, we went out the next day to get coffee, and it went really well! It was a really fun time overall, and we're already planning on our next date thing. The plan right now is to basically go out on fun, non-committal dates until we* decide if we want to get serious about this and start an actual relationship. I think we will get there, honestly. We have so much in common already, have become really close for the limited amount of time that we've known each other, and have excellent chemistry. And despite my flaws, I'm still quite a gem. He can already see that, it's just a matter of time until everything comes together.

I'm pretty hopeful about this I've got my chin held high, and I don't think I'm going to be let down this time.

Knock on wood, though. 

*really it's his final decision. I want to enter a relationship with him, but it all comes down to if he wants to let me in, in the end. 

19 and STRESSED OUT

I've been gone for a week or so, it's been a little while since I've posted. Of course, a whole lot happened because this is DePaul my and life is a show from The CW. But it hasn't been all bad!

This weekend was fairly stressful- I had a LOT of work and a herculean amount of cleaning to do. There were many moments where I thought that my head was going to explode. My sleep schedule is beyond fucked. I'm still beyond stressed, and have a whole lot of work ahead of me. I'm honestly struggling so so much this quarter academically and I just want to hole myself up in bed and not do the whole "grown adult"/"functioning member of society" thing.

There's a bright side, though. I met a guy and he's really awesome and sweet and stuff! He lives on my floor, and is actually right around the corner from me. Last quarter I always saw him walking around and we'd always wave and stuff, but never really talked to each other. Then about a week ago we were hanging out with mutual friends while he was somewhat stoned and had a nice conversation and really hit it off. We exchanged numbers, and then started talking here and there. Then Friday night, I hung out with him and we ended up cuddling the entire night, and in the morning, he kissed me. I was honestly spinning, and I still kinda am. We cuddled again the next night, and he asked me out on a proper date! We've been hanging out pretty much every night since. I like him a lot, but sometimes I'm a bit alarmed by how quickly everything has happened. I feel pretty confident about things, though.

Also, happy belated birthday to myself!

Stressed.

Send help.

I think I've bitten off more than I can chew at the moment. 

I have to write three more Detour articles by tonight, work on readings for my Sound Design class and watch video tutorials for it. Ideally, I'd like to write a Precis for my Rhetoric class so I don't have to worry too much about doing that tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have to wake up extra early so I can replace my UPass, then I'm running to the Loop for Sound Design. In the evening I have an informational meeting about becoming an RA, then I need to start that application. 

Wednesday I only have my Rhetoric class in the morning and a short quiz for my Advertising class, but I also need to go to the Loop so I can redo a project for my Editing class that got deleted. I think I can finish this by 4:00. I should also make time to work on the RA application, get some footage for another Editing project, clean my room some more, and wash my sheets and towels. 

Thursday is my only truly "free" day, but I'm going to spend the majority of it cleaning, working on the RA application, and going out to get footage. I'm planning on getting to bed earlier that night since I'll have to wake up early for my internship the next day.

Friday I start working with the casting agency! I'm extremely excited, but a little nervous. I'm also excited that it'll be my birthday as well, and my friends are probably going to surprise me!

Basically, I have a lot on my mind and a ton on my plate and I mainly wrote this so I could try to get it out of my system and relax, but I just feel even more anxious now! Way to go, me!

The Good, The Bad, and The UPass

I've had an interesting past two days. First, I got an internship with a casting agency here in Chicago! And it's a very nice, reputable agency as well so I'm very excited. I start on my birthday! 

The bad news- I auditioned for a show at DePaul and thought it went very well. The director seemed to like me a lot, I made him laugh a ton, and so on. I was ecstatic when I got called back for the show. My friend Alex went with me through all of this as well, and we were both very confident. Yesterday, he got an email in the afternoon telling him he got cast! I'm super happy for him, but I got really nervous because a lot of time was passing and I still hadn't gotten anything. Four hours passed, and by then I just gave up hope. I got an email, eventually, and I was "thanked for my time" and told that I wasn't cast. I was really disappointed, and even though I tried to convince myself that it was inconsequential and doesn't really matter and that I shouldn't be upset about it, I couldn't help but feel hurt.

When I was finally starting to feel better after that blow, I lost my UPass. For those unfamiliar with it, the UPass gives me unlimited rides on Chicago's public transportation. It's my means of getting to class at the Loop, as well as getting around the city in general. What's even worse is that I can't do anything about it until Tuesday because the office for getting it replaced is closed on Monday for MLK Day. Aaaaaaand there's a $50 replacement fee. My parents are going to be really, really, really angry with me.

I'm trying to stay positive, though. We'll see what happens. If I'm lucky, somebody will have found my UPass. It's happened before, it could happen again! However, I don't think it's anywhere close to campus, so I'm not gonna get my hopes up.

The Hateful Eight Brief Review

Last night I saw The Hateful Eight with a large group of my friends and had a pretty solid time! These are my thoughts on the movie.

Visually, it was  gorgeous. I saw it in 70mm, so that contributed even more to the beautiful appearance of the scenery. 

I thought that the second half was much stronger than the first. The first half started off incredibly slowly, and there were several moments where I almost lost interest. However, in the last few minutes Samuel L. Jackson delivers an INSANE monologue, and then the action finally picks up the pace.

The humor throughout the film landed well, and the dialogue was witty and enjoyable. I think the strongest thing about this movie was the characters. Each person was carefully and thoughtfully developed, which enabled the actors to give some very fine performances. I think that this may bring in several awards for Samuel L. Jackson's performance, at the very least.

It wasn't my favorite Tarantino movie, but I still enjoyed it and was entertained. Overall, I give it a B+. If the first half had better pacing, I would have given it an A.

Settling into School

So I'm back at DePaul, and while I'm a little stressed from my classes, I am doing so much better!

It feels amazing to be reunited with my friends, and the freedom is beyond perfect. I'm done with classes for the week (Although I have hella homework to do over my long weekend) so tomorrow I'm going to spend the day as productively as possible. I'm going to go to the gym FOR THE FIRST TIME, clean up my room some (actually a lot), work on my mountain of homework, and so on. Tomorrow night I'm gonna see The Hateful Eight in 70mm so I'm excited! 

Today was really hectic, but overall it's been good and productive. I had my English class first thing in the morning, then had to run across town to this casting agency where I interviewed for an internship. The interview went really well, and I liked the people there and the setting a lot. I really hope I get the internship! 

When I got back to campus after what was basically FOREVER, I realized I had left my student ID in my room and had to go on a wild goose chase to find somebody in my building who could help me get it. Ordinarily, that would cost all kinds of money so I really lucked out here.

I have a date tonight as well, but to be honest I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Like the guy is really nice and funny and all that stuff, but I don't really feel emotionally ready for dating again. Last quarter was hellish in that manner. I just want to focus on myself, and frankly I'm WAY too busy right now what with writing, classes, possibly an internship, and trying to get my own film shit together to add a guy into the equation. Plus, I don't wanna miss time with my friends who ACTUALLY give a shit about me and are always going to be here for me. I'm not gonna blow this guy off or skip the date or anything, I think I'm just gonna tell him that I've got way too much going on to deal with any dating stuff right now and save him some of the trouble.

I'm in a good place, and even though it's a little hectic, it's okay by me.

New Year's Resolutions

New Year's Eve is tomorrow, so you know what that means... Time for me (and pretty much most people) to make an attempt to get their shit together! While I have been having some improvements in terms of my mental and emotional health and know that that will only improve once I get back to school, I still have a long way to go and it's time for me to really put effort into myself. So here goes...

My resolutions for this year are:

• To get a job for the summer. I am trying to get internships right now in Chicago, but many of the places I have applied to haven't even responded to me, which is really annoying. If I don't get an internship by my birthday (January 22), then I'm going to start looking for a job at a place where I could easily be transferred (i.e. Ulta, Sephora, Old Navy, H&M, Forever 21, etc.). I NEED MONEY OKAY!!!
• To work out more often and to eat healthier. I haven't used the gym at my school once since I started school, and I haven't done much in terms of working out while I've been home. My body is only gonna go downhill if I don't get it together soon, and that won't help my self esteem at all! I also want to limit the amount of meat I eat. Since I'm now the secretary of an animal rights club, it doesn't really add up that I eat meat. Ideally, I'd only have meat once a week or so, possibly less. Plus, it'll be better for my health and can help with the whole weight loss thing.
• To become more actively involved with making movies. Duh, this is a no-brainer! It's good for my career and good for me in general.
• To keep up my grades and continue working hard in school. Again, another given.
• To maintain my blog better while I'm at school. I hardly posted at all last quarter, only ever when something really bad was happening in my life. Well a lot of good things would happen as well that got left out of the blog, and I want to do a better job of showcasing that good.
• To think more positively. I'm a pretty negative person, especially when I get into a funk and start feeling the anxiety and depression coming back. Well, I'm more negative about myself and my outlook on the world, I tend to have a lot more hope for other people than I do for myself. But my breakthrough the other week was a step in the right direction, and I think that if I work on these other resolutions positive thinking will come much more naturally to me.
• To be happier on my own. I've been with somebody for a very long time, and now it's time for me to become more independent than ever and to work on finding out all that I am capable of. I am going to leave Andy alone until at least June, where I'll at least wish him a happy birthday because I'm not that cold and heartless. But other than that, I am going to fly solo and fly free. It's okay to not have a romantic thing going on, and right now that's probably better for me.

I think if I really try and put in effort, I can do this and come out stronger than ever before.

Broken Phone?

Ugh. So yesterday I noticed that my phone would keep turning itself off automatically. It had done that about once a week before, but yesterday it just kept happening! I was heading to my cousin's basketball game, and I had just gotten it fully charged. Immediately after I removed it from the charger, it turned off and wouldn't turn back on again! So for about four hours, I was walking around with a dead phone.

When I got home, I immediately plugged it in to see what would happen. It had the little battery charging symbol on it, and wouldn't turn on until it had been in the charger for about an hour and a half. About two hours after it came back on, it turned off again. It didn't turn back on again until about 6:30 this morning, ,and it turned itself odd again about 5 minutes ago.

What is going on with my phone?! And what can I do to fix it?!!

I definitely want to head to the Apple store today or tomorrow to see what repairs may be necessary, and if the repairs are too costly, I may as well just head to the AT&T store to get the iPhone 6.

I can't be having a phone that does all this stuff! So much of my life is on my phone- my alarms in the morning to wake up, my alarm for birth control, the list of birthdays for my friends, all of my messages, all of my music, my photos, film ideas, etc. I need to have a reliable phone, and this won't do, ESPECIALLY when I have to go back to Chicago.

A Brand New Start

Today is the first day of the rest of my life! I love myself, and I refuse to let anybody or anything get me down.

Today has had a lot of ups, and only one down. I took my dog out for a walk in a new park and it was absolutely lovely. She's a very happy dog now! However, I did leave my mom's ATM card in the machine so she's very upset with me. 

She's been having a very frustrating day at work already, and she's having difficulties trying to manage some things at home like making doctor's appointments. Nothing seems to be going her way. I feel bad because her day just keeps getting worse and worse. I wanna make it better in any way that I can, but at the moment I'm not really sure how. I did include a small brownie with her lunch to try to help soother her pain with chocolate. 

I think I'm gonna do dishes and work on christmas cards to make her day better/less stressful. Any little thing that could make things easier for her and give her less to worry about.

I WROTE MY FIRST REAL SCREENPLAY AND ACHIEVED SELF-ACCEPTANCE

I WROTE A FUCKING SCREENPLAY FOR MY UPCOMING SHORT FILM IN 6 HOURS.

GET ON MY LEVEL.

I ALSO REALIZED THAT I CAN LOVE MYSELF AGAIN. 

AND I AM BEATING MY ANDY ADDICTION. HE'S NOT GETTING ANY OF THOSE LETTERS, I'M GONNA BURN THEM. THEY'RE DONE. THOSE FEELINGS ARE GONE. YOU KNOW HOW I GOT THERE?

THIS SCREENPLAY THAT'S HOW.

Andy and I would always share our work with each other to give constructive criticism, talk about what we liked in our work, and overall just to be proud of each others' achievements. I thought about sending him a copy of the rough draft. Thought.

I realized that I don't give a fuck if he's proud of me because I'M PROUD OF ME. All my friends from school are proud of me. My family is (sorta) proud of me. That means more than the attention of a guy who doesn't even want me in his life anymore.

I'm not gonna go out of my way to talk to him anymore. If he wants to be my friend eventually, he's gonna have to want it and better fucking work for it. I am a goddess and I am loved by plenty of people. I don't need him and I don't need anybody else.

Although I do love kissing and being held. Maybe when I'm back to school.

All that matters now is that I have my own back. 

I FEEL SO FUCKING GOOD RIGHT NOW AND SO SO STRONG AND I AM GOING TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO MAKE THIS FEELING LAST FOREVER.

Improving!

I think I'm on the come up.

A part of me realized that sitting around and crying and letting myself fall apart wasn't going to get me anywhere with Andy even as a friend, or anybody for that matter, so I've been doing what I can to stay busy, not get sad, and genuinely enjoy my time and feel good about everything I'm doing.

Yesterday was when this started. I was WAY too busy to even think about the things that were bringing me down- I went out to lunch with my aunt and my 3rd cousin and we had a lovely time, I had long drives that were filled with fun, enjoyable music, I cleaned out my grandma's garage (and got paid for it- thank goodness, I am so broke) and chatted with her for awhile, and spent the evening painting and skyping my friends from DePaul. It was NICE. 

Come midnight, I realized that I had officially gone 24 hours without crying, and I was really proud of myself. It may seem dumb, but in the head space that I was in, I could hardly make it through any part of the day without crying or freaking out. my previous record was 15 hours, and I slept through 10 of them so it hardly counted.

Today I really wanted to keep up my streak. I still haven't cried (woop woop) or even felt that sad today. I only had three chores today, and I got them done pretty early in the day. I walked my dog, and the weather was absolutely GORGEOUS! I even made gluten-free brownies! I also painted a lot, and I've been working on a short film that I want to shoot when I get back to school. Pedro also sent me a very long list of upbeat songs that could help me get back on track and help me recover from my slump, and that's been a blessing. 

This is the best that I've felt in a few weeks, and I  really want it to stay this way so I am going to do anything and everything I can to stay positive!

"So you've hit rock bottom..."

The past several days have been a living hell for me. I have had no motivation to get through the days, let alone to stop sleeping. I've even been pretending to be sick so my mom will leave me alone to mope in peace.

Yesterday was especially painful. I pretty much was crying uncontrollably all day. I feel lost, still, but I'm really trying to stay positive and to pick up the pieces of my life. 

I just don't know how. I know that if I wait and ride this out, things will eventually look up for me (like when I finally get back to DePaul), but there's this huge part of me that's afraid, because from here on out everything I thought I knew in life is changing, and I have to reevaluate my plans for the future since they've essentially turned to dust.

Please send help.

I fucked up (aka my Andy problem)

I reached out to Andy this evening about an hour and a half ago. We've been trying to be friends, I really thought we could, but he never talks to me and whenever I talk to him I get the vibe that he hates me and wants nothing to do with me and wants me to leave him alone. Of course, he'd never say this to me because he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings, but after seeing him post a song called "Christmas all alone" I felt horribly horribly guilty. I figured he wasn't trying to call me out because he's not petty and would never stoop so low. I wanted to say that I was sorry for hurting him anyways, I had never properly apologized and I was feeling a lot of guilt from that. So, I texted him this long sad text about how I have been struggling to be his friend because I haven't apologized for the pain I've caused and that I really didn't want him to hate me. It was risky, but honestly what do I have left to lose?

Basically, he doesn't hate me, but he doesn't want me to be a part of his life and never wants to see me again. In a way it's a relief since I won't have to worry about "oh god, what if this is awkward?" and other thoughts like that, but at the same time I just lost my best friend forever. 

I am in so much pain right now and I just want to be held while I cry. I have reached rock bottom.

Parent Issues

The past two days I've been hanging out with my sister and staying out of the house, and that's been great. However, last night was a nightmare for me once we got home.

We returned home during the middle of a "meeting" of all the local Republicans my parents are friends with, which was basically a loud gathering of a bunch of loud drunken adults. I was okayish at first, I had taken some food and hid up in my room, but then my mom called me out to our upstairs balcony asking me if I was registered as a Republican and then telling me that I need to register as one so they could count on my vote in primaries and for when their friends were up for election.

This really really bothered me. It upsets me that my parents think that they can just use me as a pawn to rack up another votes and that they think that I'll just blindly follow along with whatever they tell me politically. In general the fact that they restrict me from being myself causes me a lot of pain. How do you BEGIN to talk to your parents about that?! I have no autonomy over myself, and I freaking should already! I am a legal adult, I am in college, and I am a good person so why on earth do my parents think they have the right to take away all my freedoms and my ability to express myself?!

At first, I was really really afraid about having to talk to my mom about this, but then, I saw it as an opportunity. This could be my chance to come clean and maybe establish some sort of meaningful relationship with them. I want to tell my parents that I'm not gonna sell myself short anymore, I WANT to tell them that I don't believe in God and that I don't identify as a Republican and I want to show them my work and have them be proud of me for how far I've come in just one quarter at school, but I'm really fucking scared. I'm afraid that they'll be furious with me, I'm terrified that they'll reject me as their daughter and cut me off and that I won't be able to go back to DePaul, I'm scared that they simply won't love me anymore. 

But for all of the potential negative outcomes, there's the chance that none of those things will happen. There's the chance that I've really been torturing myself over nothing and that I'm going to be okay and that my parents are going to love me even more for being honest with them. That's what I'm hoping for, at least.

I decided that i would only say something to my parents if they brought up the issue to me first. While I was afraid of this happening, a big part of me was hoping that they did so I could just get this over with. This morning, my mom was acting like nothing had happened last night, although she was extremely terse and there was a lot of tension in the room. There's been a ton of tension between us today though. Like I'm feeling sick so I was having some saltine crackers for breakfast and while I was eating she says to me "Tuesday is a holy day of obligation." in the coldest way possible and gives me a look that could probably kill an animal slightly smaller than me. It made me feel awful, like she already knows or has her suspicions about me and is hoping to force me into changing back into some good Catholic girl. It made me so uncomfortable that I've been balking at the idea of talking to her in general.

For the first time, I feel ready to come clean. However, I am NOT ready to make the first move, it has to be my parents. I just don't want to be depressed whenever I'm home, that's not how home should be.

The Great Cat Rescue

Yesterday while making my way home from another dismal day of attempting to find a job, I nearly hit a cat with my car. I thought that I had hit it, so I got out of the car to check. It came running out from underneath it meowing its cute little head off and started rubbing itself up against my legs. It was so freaking adorable, I couldn't just leave it in a field! Plus it wasn't in good shape; it was extremely dirty and its fur was matted in a lot of places, it clearly hadn't eaten in a long long time, and it looked like it had recently been in a fight with another critter somewhere. So I scooped it up in a blanket then drove home so I could put it in a cat carrier. I decided that I would take it to the county SPCA, but when I got there they were closed. There were people inside, but they told me to go away and come back tomorrow. So, I went to another shelter in the area that specializes in cats. They wouldn't take it either because they're a private shelter and all of their space was full. 

I was worried that I was going to have to let the poor thing out somewhere and I didn't want to do that since the two of us had gone through all of that together and the cat really liked me a lot. My mom wasn't about to let me bring it home, even if it only stayed in our garage for the night. I called my grandma, and she said she'd let it stay in her garage for the night! Today my grandma and I are going to take the cat to the SPCA again so it can get cleaned up and have a proper place to stay.

I feel good about what I did, and while I wish I could keep the cat myself I know it'll go to a good home sometime very soon.

Keeping Positive Day 2

Today was a lot worse than yesterday, but it isn't completely irredeemable. While the weather was gloomy and shit, I had a ton of chores, got yelled at and berated a lot, had hardly any luck with the job search, and I'm being forced into going to a football game on Thursday, there was at least one decent thing about today.

First, I was added into this group of aspiring filmmakers at DePaul in my class who are trying to get together to help make each others projects a reality. That'll be nice, and throwing myself into work and having things that I can put on my reel/portfolio/resume/iMDB page would be amazing for improving my chances at a career and also be a great way of avoiding drama in the future. I talked to a few of the people about an idea for a web series I have and got a lot of positive feedback so that made me feel better! Plus it's nice to have something that I can look forward to while I'm home. 

Frankly, that was the only really positive part of the day, but on the bright side, I didn't cry at all even when I really really wanted to and I think that's an improvement right there.

Keeping Positive Trial Run

Last night, I had a little bit of a breakdown. I just cried and cried and cried, and I was feeling really empty inside. I didn't know who to turn to, but my friend from school, Alex, told me that I should try to write down and record the good things that happen to me and the bright spots in every day, that way I can try to fight my pessimism in a more hands-on fashion and have something I can look at on the really bad days. So, today was my first try at getting things right, or at least better.

• First, I had a really nice outfit today and a pretty good hair day. I felt pretty good about my appearance for the first time since I got home. I was wearing some new shoes that I bought on Black Friday when my mom and sister made me join them, and overall I felt really put together. That helped me find some confidence when I went job hunting today.
• The weather was really gorgeous. It was pretty chilly, but the sky was a beautiful shade of blue and it made the browns in the landscape stand out and shine more.
• I went on a nice, long drive with some new music. Nothing beats joyriding. I had to run errands, but I honestly love doing that since I can get out of the house more often. One of my errands was to pick up some books at the library for my mom, so while I was there I decided to peruse the music section. I checked out Arcade Fire's Reflektor, Bon Iver's Bon Iver, Arctic Monkeys' Suck it and See, Carly Rae Jepsen's E.MO.TION, and The Black Keys' Turn Blue. 
• E.MO.TION was FUCKING AWESOME! I have never been a Carly Rae Jepsen fan, and Call Me Maybe disgusted me so I was very skeptical about picking up the album. However, my friends Simon and Jimmy, both musicians (Simon also is a music critic and a junior editor for the blog Heavy Blog is Heavy) vetted for it, saying it was some of the best pop they've heard in years. It put me in a really good mood while driving all over the place.
• On my joyride, I visited my former favorite place and in the process discovered a new one (maybe). Whenever I was driving and had time to spare and didn't want to be alone, I would go into this abandoned house in this cornfield not too far away from my neighborhood. It was really peaceful, and nobody was ever around. I went back there during my joyride only to discover that it has, for the most part, completely caved in. I was upset at first, but I still could appreciate its beauty. I took a different road to run errands, and in doing this I stumbled upon what may be my new favorite spot. 

Job Prowl (Kill me Now)

Since I have until New Year's off, I've been desperately hunting for a job. If I don't secure a job by the end of this week, I'm very doubtful that I'll be able to get one over break. If I'm lucky, I may be able to find work for the summer.

So far, I've tried things out with several different stores and locations to no avail. I really don't wanna be my mother's chore/errand mule again, plus I need money pretty badly to stay afloat. However, the job hunt has been SO FRUSTRATING, especially when places wanted to do in-person interviews while I was at DePaul and were not flexible enough to wait until I was home.

I'm still using InboxDollars and that's at least SOMETHING, but I really need some stabler, more consistent income.

If I'm not able to get a job during break, I'm at least going to apply for some internships at casting agencies in Chicago so I can 1.) build up my resume, 2.) get some experience, and 3.) have something more to do next quarter.

This is just such a pain and I wish it was all over and I could go back to school.

I'm back, and not necessarily the same person

I came home for the holidays on Tuesday. This has been my third day home, and I feel miserable. It had never really occurred to me how unhappy being home made me. It never really hit me how utterly alone I am here, especially now that I'm not talking to Andy 24/7. I only talk to him once a week or so, and it's the strangest thing. I miss him, but I know he's doing okay, but sometimes I wonder if he feels the same way. I think it's just the general loneliness/not knowing how to be single thing that's making me feel so much regret. It's just the weirdest thing to go from CONSTANT CONVERSATION and showering of affection and love for OVER TWO YEARS to absolutely nothing. Fuuuuuck I gotta stop myself or else I'm going to get all Drake on this situation.

While I miss DePaul, the past month and a half that I've been gone has been like a show from the CW or ABC Family. I don't want to go into every single detail because that'd take fucking FOREVER and frankly I want to forget about an awful lot of it, or at least do my best to move on from the whole train wreck.
Here's a brief summary of everything you need to know.

1. Pedro and I made up. He's actually become my closest friend at DePaul. He's officially seen me at my worst, and I've seen him at his worse. We've been here for each other, and we've got a really strong bond. We cook together every Monday, and it's a really fun time. We're even planning on getting an apartment together next year and we're gonna try to live together (we're applying to be RA's so that's our Plan B). But long story short, we're cool and then some.
2. A close friend of mine who I never really talked about went to the hospital. Twice. And I was directly involved both times. The first time, she checked herself in for mental health reasons, but I had encouraged her to go get the help she needed and helped her pack and stuff. The second time, she got alcohol poisoning while on my watch, so I got an RA and she was taken to the hospital and got her stomach pumped. That was just last weekend!
3. I tried things out with two guys. Neither worked out well in terms of dating, but we're all friends in a way. Also, I made out with a friend while drunk, and we haven't really addressed it yet and I almost don't want to. Overall my love life is complete and utter shit, and I'm taking the next 6 weeks as a boy/romance cleanse. I really need it. I haven't been single in a longass time.
4. BRIGHT SPOT: I've gotten closer with a smaller group of friends. We're all digital cinema majors, and fairly huge nerds. But we're (for the most part) attractive nerds so we could have it worse! I'm the only girl in the group, so I'm treated like a queen (for the most part). They taught me how to play Dungeons and Dragons, and I'm actually not too bad at it! We go out to movies and eat food a lot, and it's a really pleasant, low-key atmosphere. 
5. FILM PROJECTS! I starred in two (I'll post the link to the better one) and wrote/directed one of my own. I was really nervous about how mine would turn out since I don't really consider myself to be a director, but I'm actually proud of it. I've included the links in this post, please check them out!

My friend JC's fantastic film

MY FIRST SHORT

I'm a mess.

Yesterday I was the polar opposite of a functioning member of society. I only got out of bed three times, each time only because I had to. All the food I ate had been brought to me by other people. I didn't even put on pants until about an hour ago. I'm a real-life train wreck. 

I spent a sizable portion of my day yesterday writing the longest, guilt-trippiest, saddest, confessional letter to Pedro. It was about three and a half pages long. Compared to my letter to Jack, it wasn't nearly as embarrassing, but it was still pretty damn desperate. My friend Heather slipped it under his door so I wouldn't have to put on pants/walk (that's a true friend right there). He probably got it and read it, but frankly I don't know or care if he responds to it or not. 

I've been trying to stay sane, but it's not working too well at all. I feel better than I did before, but I just feel numb now. Like I'm not horrifically and dangerously upset, but I'm not close to being happy either.

The only reason that I've showered today (and by the transitive property, put on pants) was because my friend asked me to come listen to music and work on homework with him. I'm glad he did, that way I had to drag myself out of my room. Now, I just wish I had the motivation to attempt to be happy and enjoy myself.

Love is dead :)

Things went tits up with Pedro, to say the least.

First, despite my endless reminders about the movie, he still neglected to inform me that he had play rehearsal and left me hanging after I MADE FUCKING HOMEMADE MAC AND CHEESE FOR HIM. I was understandably furious. I didn't end up going to the movie because 1.) I couldn't find anybody to go with me and 2.) I couldn't find anybody who would take the tickets off my hands. I basically fumed for two hours, and then he texts me saying "we need to talk and clear the air."

I was nervous. I threw up twice. I couldn't stop shaking and I could barely breathe. I told the friends I was with about everything, and they helped prevent me from completely flying off the handle. When he finally got back and was ready to talk, it was not very good.

Basically, he said that while I'm an "amazing person and that he owes me so so much"  he "doesn't think anything should happen between us" because he doesn't want to tear apart our friend group. I knew this was gonna happen, I just expected it to happen last week. I had a lot that I wanted to say to him in regards to his leading me on and everything, but I straight-up had a nervous breakdown and lost my ability to speak. I couldn't stop shaking, and I felt like the walls were closing in around me, and I needed to get out of there. I got up, and said "It's your fucking loss. Don't talk to me for a few days. I can't be around you." and ran the fuck out. 

I've essentially broken down completely since then. I have only left my bed once today, about 15 minutes ago, to put in my contact lenses. I basically spent the day writing a long, emotional letter to Pedro dragging him for leading me on and not being honest with me about his feelings from the get go. I fully intend on having it delivered, I just don't want to be the one to do it.

I'm so fucking done with guys right now, but I'm a hopeless romantic and can't help but fall for people. It's one of my biggest weaknesses.

Fuck me.