It's not like anyone's reading. No one cares. 

I'm not okay

Okay, I'm kinda getting some things done tonight as far as homework and projects and other bleh-ness goes, so I hate myself and almost everything else around me a little smidgen bit less. I still am thoroughly disgusted with my appearance, body, grades, allergies, habits, laziness, and all-around ehhhh-ness to make up for that small degree of positivity adequately.

Back when I was in my sophomore year, I started to believe that I may be manic-depressive. Lately I've been thinking that that's highly possible, but maybe I'm just a mental-illness hypochondriac. After all, in order to be manic-depressive, I'd have to go through manic stages, not just depressive states that get progressively worse, show some improvement, then tank again. I hate my pessimism that I've had the past several weeks. I can't really explain it. I try really damn hard to be optimistic, but frankly, I'm disgusted with myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate everything about me. What's worse is that I don't even have the willpower to change it. I'm too weak-willed to consider stopping eating or throwing up or cutting or anything dangerous like that, but I'm also too weak-willed to go about changing myself in a healthy way. I never have the time to exercise, I have terrible portion control, and by the end of the night it's miraculous that I can even wash my face and brush my teeth, let alone anything else. 

I'm incredibly nervous. I want nothing more than to get better so I can stop hating myself and feeling disgusted, but for the next week or so I just don't see that happening. And I've grown incredibly nervous about how others perceive me. I see my face looking chubbier in the mirror, I see my stomach bulging out when I sit or stand or do freaking anything, I see my muffin top and my acne and oil on my face and the slow yellowing of my teeth throughout the day and I just want to hurl myself off a cliff. I hardly took selfies in the first place, but at this point I don't even take selfies on Snapchat that would disappear in seconds. 

I think the last time I felt pretty was during homecoming, but even when I look back at the pictures, I absolutely hate the way I look. I know I don't have nearly as much room to talk about it as others since I'm not necessarily big, but I can't help the way I feel. Anyone can feel terrible about themselves, no matter what size they are. I'm just terrible at taking action to change myself so I can stop hating the person in the mirror. 

And of course, there's the whole business with my parents and stuff eating me from the inside out. The whole self-esteem thing is just the cherry on top! Essentially, EVERYTHING that's been going on over the past two to three weeks has been eating me alive, wearing me down, destroying me, and breaking me down. I try really hard to stay positive, but I just want to cry. I don't really feel like there are people in my life that I can completely talk to about this comfortably.I tried to talk to my sister about the whole business with my parents last night, but she just kinda dismissed it and brought up (equally valid) worries of her own. I wouldn't dare talk to her about how worried I was about my appearance and weight because I know she's had significantly harder struggles with it than I ever have, and if I did she would chastise me for feeling the way I do. I can tell Andy about a lot of this, but it doesn't really do very much because, seeing through rose-colored glasses as he does, he can only say things like "You don't deserve that," or "You're beautiful just the way you are." As sweet and well-meaning as those are, they don't really make things any better. I still feel trapped in the self-loathing pit. I wouldn't take this to my parents for all the tea in China because they would probably hate me too for it. I don't really know if I could tell anyone at school about it. I know my friend Maddi knows that not everything has been okay with me, but I haven't really been ready to talk about it. I might be able to talk to Abby, Dylan, or Tony about it, most likely Abby, but I never really know when I'll get a chance to see them together again.

I just don't see any other way to face this other than to go it alone. 

Everything has decided to simultaneously kick me in the urethra over and over and over and over again. I love life! It's the best! Also, I'm the world's worst optimist. I'm terrible at that whole thing. As well as the whole "time management" thing and a whole plethora of other things. I was just starting to get my grades back where I wanted them, but it looks like I'm going to be walking on the edge of a knife until the semester ends. Maybe even until I'm out of school. Maybe when I die? Maybe it just never ends! Nonetheless, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to get out. 

Blargh

Yesterday and 12/10

Yesterday was a hectic, bleh day that I don't want to relive anytime soon! On the bright side, I now have several things off of my plate and that helps me somewhat. But, of course, there's always always more getting added to the pile! Yesterday was also marked my 18th month with Andy! I know in the long run, a year and a half isn't that long, but when you're young it feels like forever!

Today was uneventfu, just homework and the usual shuffling from class to class. I still have no motivation, I'm still pretty bleh and joyless, and I just want to sleep all the time. Christmas Break can't come fast enough, oh my goodness!

STAR STUDENT RIGHT HERE

I have absolutely no motivation when it comes to my homework for tonight. I'm just kinda putzing along with my math. I'm about halfway done, but in my defense I'm doing three assignments at once since I procrastinated a lot last week and over the weekend. I also forgot a textbook that I needed for religion so I may be screwed there tomorrow... I also still have to finish reading Othello for English while paying particular attention to Act 5. AND I'm supposed to be studying for my exams, which are next week. I haven't done any of that! 

Now I just need to tackle my mountain of math homework....

12/8/14

Today was a pretty solid day! My sister and I went in to school early to decorate lockers for Christmas, which was a little hectic but a lot of fun. They turned out really nicely. I also filled out my housing application for DePaul, and I'm really excited about that!

It. Is. FINISHED.

I think I'm officially done with my research paper... this is too good to be true....

Ugggggggh I'm so close yet so far away from being done for the night... It's killing me.

I hate EVERYTHING

I hate EVERYTHING right now and I feel like I'm trapped in a pit of despair. It's freaking glorious, I'll tell you that. 

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday was a pretty busy day for me! I worked for four hours (and there were a lot of rude customers) then I went down to Columbus for a close family friend's Bat Mitzvah. It was a ton of fun. My sister and I hung out with the family's older cousins and had a blast. This morning, the family had a breakfast for all of the close family friends and family members who came from out of town. These sorts of events are incredibly extravagant! A lot of money and effort goes into them; it's almost like planning a large wedding. I'm not always a party person, but I love a Bar/Bat Mitzvah when they come around.

Last night I got around 2 hours of sleep because my dad never stops snoring and it's ridiculous. It was probably the worst night of sleep of my life. I've been kinda grumpy all day because of it. On the bright side, I'm no longer grounded, so huzzah!

Now I just have a ton of homework to do since I had no time yesterday and was too tired to work on Friday. Kill me.

I hate myself.

I'm just trying to sort out a lot of bleh feelings within myself. Most of it involves my family. I love them, but I'm the black sheep of the bunch and we all know it. And I know that my mother loves my sister more than me (and I don't blame her, my sister tells her everything and is easily her best friend). Not being the favorite doesn't really bother me much, just the differences in punishments that happen between us. Like if this whole grounding thing happened to my sister, it never would have gotten to this level and my mom would never have chewed her out and yelled at her and berated and insulted her as much as she did with me. It's just a lot of emotional trash on my plate and I don't know what to do with it exactly. I've never really been comfortable talking to my parents about feelings and stuff. I've been pretty self-sufficient ever since I've been driving, and even before then I've never been one to talk. At my core I'm pretty introverted; I just learned that people tended to like me more if I acted extroverted in social settings, and that's never been something that made it easy for me to let people, especially the people closest to me, in. I can't do much, so I feel really powerless and lost.

12/4 and 12/5/14

Both days were pretty awful and I'm starting to get really sick and kinda depressive and just uggggggggh I can't do anything right and I have no words for anything right now. I just kinda hate everything but most of all myself.

Goodnight

I quit.

I FORGOT I HAD TO FINISH AN AP BIO LAB FOR TOMORROW AND I STILL HAVEN'T DONE ANY OF MY OTHER HOMEWORK I RETRACT EVERYTHING I SAID EARLIER ABOUT PROGRESS I AM BEHIND I AM SO SO SOOOOO BEHIND!!!! I HATE EVERYTHING.

I've made a ton of headway on my research paper tonight, yay!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately for me, I haven't done ANY of my other work!

Welp, it turns out my mom remembered that I was all grounded and stuff, so once again I'm phoneless. The fact that I don't have my phone to play games or surf the internet with is not what bothers me, it's the fact that I have absolutely NO connection to any people. That's what's driving me insane. Even then, I wouldn't say I'm going insane so much as feeling down and depressed more. I have absolutely no motivation as a side effect of that. I at least get to see a lot of my friends at school, but that means nothing when I can't talk to my closest friend and confidante at all. I'm incredibly lonely when I don't have Andy to talk to. If I can at least talk to him every day, I don't have to miss him as much. Even when I'm hundreds of miles away from him for college or even just vacations, being in near-constant contact with him makes things infinitely less unbearable and miserable; when I have had a terrible, rotten, no-good, bad day I can't turn to him to vent/seek advice from or to cheer up. I have to sit there and dwell on my thoughts and dwell on my loneliness. I can't bear that much longer. I miss Andy and I just want to be able to talk to him again. 

Ugggggggggghhhhh

I don't feel like doing anything tonight blehhhhhhhh shoot me please and thank you in advance...

I have sooooo much work to get done it's driving me insane. I'm also starting to feel a little bit under the weather. And of course, there's the whole "I'm really really lonely since I can't talk to anybody" thing... 

I also hope this "grounding" which is essentially pointless, comes to an end soon and very soon. I miss Andy and my friends.

12/3/14

Today wasn't nearly as bleh as yesterday was. I'm just a little worried about the whole Bat Mitzvah/Work on Saturday situation. I know my mom was calling in, and it was not exactly pretty... When she wants something, she can be incredibly intimidating for a 5'2" woman. I admire it in her, but I really hope that it doesn't cost me my job this time around...

Goodnight!

I think my mom may have forgotten that I've been "grounded." By the end of the day tomorrow, I'm betting that she'll completely forget about everything. Until then, I'm calling it a night!

On the bright side, my parents brought me birthday cake ice cream which was pretty glorious! And I got a lot of work done on  my Stats project and my homework for religion. I'm still nowhere close to where I had planned to be for my research paper though, oops...

12/2/14

Today. Was. AWFUL. Absolutely horrible in almost every possible way. Everything overall was just incredibly difficult, and Honors Government has officially put me over the edge. This boy in my class wrote a particularly awful bill for the Congress project and was absolutely butthurt by the response he got to it. Another girl and primarily myself tore it to shreds, so since his pride has been hurt, he has a vendetta against her and I, but mostly me since I made him look like an idiot for his weak arguments. Anywho, I had to re-present my bill for the "Senate" and I knew that he most certainly would try to do something to try to trip me up, and sure enough, he bombarded me with rude questions that I gave witty and sassy responses to, then tried to filibuster me by reading from Mein Kampf. Yup. Mein Kampf. He continues to harass me outside of class, and if he keeps this behavior up, I'm going to have to confront him. If it came to that, I would simply apologize for hurting his pride, but tell him that he's taking things too far and that he needs to grow up. 

I'm just so so so so sick of that class and the majority of the people in it.