Monday, December 15, 2014
12/15/14
Today was an okay day! I hardly did anything in any of my classes. My Othello exam for English wasn't too terrible, and then in all my other classes we basically putzed around and called it "review." The Newspaper Christmas party/Secret Santa gift exchange was pretty great! I got a Lena Dunham book from one of the girls on the staff. Instead of hauling ass on my homework like I should've been, I started reading it. I really like it a lot so far! Now I have ten minutes until the people O'm driving to the review session arrive... wish me luck tonight...
On the bright side, I'll at least get some Panera!
On the bright side, I'll at least get some Panera!
Sunday, December 14, 2014
I made progress on my Honors Gov homework and some progress on my outline for my Economics research/argumentative essay, but I still have a lot of work to do. I have to make a works cited page sometime tomorrow night. Basically, this outline will be the only thing I work on tomorrow night!
Tomorrow there's a review for Gov in a Panera 20 minutes away from my house and I don't really know how long it's going to last,so I have to do as much homework as I can between school and the review! And before school, as well. Basically, I'm toast.
Tomorrow there's a review for Gov in a Panera 20 minutes away from my house and I don't really know how long it's going to last,so I have to do as much homework as I can between school and the review! And before school, as well. Basically, I'm toast.
12/14/14
Today was a solid day. I had to work, but not for nearly as long as I had to yesterday or over Black Friday. It was a really sloooow day today at Famous, so I spent a lot of the day trying on shoes that I've had my eyes on. Seriously, the store was completely empty for a few 15-20 minute stretches. In the end, I bought a pair of black, open-toed leather wedges that look really badass and then a pair of adorable black oxford-style heels. I've been looking for a similar shoe for AGES so it was great to find something like that.
After work, I went to the Starbucks where I used to work and bought some stuff for my newspaper class's Secret Santa. I bought a cute mug and a small gift card. For buying the mug, I got a free soy chai latte which was definitely a perk because I didn't get a chance to eat all day.
After work, I went to the Starbucks where I used to work and bought some stuff for my newspaper class's Secret Santa. I bought a cute mug and a small gift card. For buying the mug, I got a free soy chai latte which was definitely a perk because I didn't get a chance to eat all day.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
I basically procrastinated the entire night by researching all-women's colleges instead of the foreign policy of post-WWII presidents (excluding Gerald Ford for some reason?) that I was supposed to be for Honors Gov. I just want that class to be over. I couldn't care less about it. Ironically, it's my highest grade.
Yesterday and 12/13/14
Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I did okay on my AP Bio quiz despite not studying, and I had a pretty solid time in Newspaper. I basically slept the entire time I was home while my sister was at a basketball game, having a social life and stuff. My dad had hernia surgery, so I slept in one recliner in our basement while he slept in the other. Overall, it was pretty dull. I just needed the day to end as quickly as possible; I was absolutely dead from everything over the week on the inside and the outside.
Today I worked from 11-6. It was long and painful. I'm all kinds of sore, and I'm completely beat. I'm not ready to work on homework at all! It's even a struggle to type this post, I've made so many typos and stuff it's taken me double the time to type it. I dealt with the meanest, rudest, nastiest old white man at work today. He had a return that needed done, and was yelling at me for not being a manager so I could return his item for him, filling my cash register, being female, etc. It gave me a headache.
Essentially, I'm done for the day, week, month, year, decade, century, etc. and need the nap of a lifetime before I can even think about doing ANY homework/studying/exercise/anything remotely productive.
Today I worked from 11-6. It was long and painful. I'm all kinds of sore, and I'm completely beat. I'm not ready to work on homework at all! It's even a struggle to type this post, I've made so many typos and stuff it's taken me double the time to type it. I dealt with the meanest, rudest, nastiest old white man at work today. He had a return that needed done, and was yelling at me for not being a manager so I could return his item for him, filling my cash register, being female, etc. It gave me a headache.
Essentially, I'm done for the day, week, month, year, decade, century, etc. and need the nap of a lifetime before I can even think about doing ANY homework/studying/exercise/anything remotely productive.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Dying
I've been pounding out stupid freaking homework all night long and I just want to hurl myself off a cliff. Five minutes ago I remembered another assignment that I needed to do and ughgggggghghghghghghghghghghghhhhhhh SHOOT ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12/11/14
Today was significantly better than yesterday. All in all, I'm just going to try to take care of myself the best way that I can.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
I'm not okay
Okay, I'm kinda getting some things done tonight as far as homework and projects and other bleh-ness goes, so I hate myself and almost everything else around me a little smidgen bit less. I still am thoroughly disgusted with my appearance, body, grades, allergies, habits, laziness, and all-around ehhhh-ness to make up for that small degree of positivity adequately.
Back when I was in my sophomore year, I started to believe that I may be manic-depressive. Lately I've been thinking that that's highly possible, but maybe I'm just a mental-illness hypochondriac. After all, in order to be manic-depressive, I'd have to go through manic stages, not just depressive states that get progressively worse, show some improvement, then tank again. I hate my pessimism that I've had the past several weeks. I can't really explain it. I try really damn hard to be optimistic, but frankly, I'm disgusted with myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate everything about me. What's worse is that I don't even have the willpower to change it. I'm too weak-willed to consider stopping eating or throwing up or cutting or anything dangerous like that, but I'm also too weak-willed to go about changing myself in a healthy way. I never have the time to exercise, I have terrible portion control, and by the end of the night it's miraculous that I can even wash my face and brush my teeth, let alone anything else.
I'm incredibly nervous. I want nothing more than to get better so I can stop hating myself and feeling disgusted, but for the next week or so I just don't see that happening. And I've grown incredibly nervous about how others perceive me. I see my face looking chubbier in the mirror, I see my stomach bulging out when I sit or stand or do freaking anything, I see my muffin top and my acne and oil on my face and the slow yellowing of my teeth throughout the day and I just want to hurl myself off a cliff. I hardly took selfies in the first place, but at this point I don't even take selfies on Snapchat that would disappear in seconds.
I think the last time I felt pretty was during homecoming, but even when I look back at the pictures, I absolutely hate the way I look. I know I don't have nearly as much room to talk about it as others since I'm not necessarily big, but I can't help the way I feel. Anyone can feel terrible about themselves, no matter what size they are. I'm just terrible at taking action to change myself so I can stop hating the person in the mirror.
And of course, there's the whole business with my parents and stuff eating me from the inside out. The whole self-esteem thing is just the cherry on top! Essentially, EVERYTHING that's been going on over the past two to three weeks has been eating me alive, wearing me down, destroying me, and breaking me down. I try really hard to stay positive, but I just want to cry. I don't really feel like there are people in my life that I can completely talk to about this comfortably.I tried to talk to my sister about the whole business with my parents last night, but she just kinda dismissed it and brought up (equally valid) worries of her own. I wouldn't dare talk to her about how worried I was about my appearance and weight because I know she's had significantly harder struggles with it than I ever have, and if I did she would chastise me for feeling the way I do. I can tell Andy about a lot of this, but it doesn't really do very much because, seeing through rose-colored glasses as he does, he can only say things like "You don't deserve that," or "You're beautiful just the way you are." As sweet and well-meaning as those are, they don't really make things any better. I still feel trapped in the self-loathing pit. I wouldn't take this to my parents for all the tea in China because they would probably hate me too for it. I don't really know if I could tell anyone at school about it. I know my friend Maddi knows that not everything has been okay with me, but I haven't really been ready to talk about it. I might be able to talk to Abby, Dylan, or Tony about it, most likely Abby, but I never really know when I'll get a chance to see them together again.
I just don't see any other way to face this other than to go it alone.
Back when I was in my sophomore year, I started to believe that I may be manic-depressive. Lately I've been thinking that that's highly possible, but maybe I'm just a mental-illness hypochondriac. After all, in order to be manic-depressive, I'd have to go through manic stages, not just depressive states that get progressively worse, show some improvement, then tank again. I hate my pessimism that I've had the past several weeks. I can't really explain it. I try really damn hard to be optimistic, but frankly, I'm disgusted with myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate everything about me. What's worse is that I don't even have the willpower to change it. I'm too weak-willed to consider stopping eating or throwing up or cutting or anything dangerous like that, but I'm also too weak-willed to go about changing myself in a healthy way. I never have the time to exercise, I have terrible portion control, and by the end of the night it's miraculous that I can even wash my face and brush my teeth, let alone anything else.
I'm incredibly nervous. I want nothing more than to get better so I can stop hating myself and feeling disgusted, but for the next week or so I just don't see that happening. And I've grown incredibly nervous about how others perceive me. I see my face looking chubbier in the mirror, I see my stomach bulging out when I sit or stand or do freaking anything, I see my muffin top and my acne and oil on my face and the slow yellowing of my teeth throughout the day and I just want to hurl myself off a cliff. I hardly took selfies in the first place, but at this point I don't even take selfies on Snapchat that would disappear in seconds.
I think the last time I felt pretty was during homecoming, but even when I look back at the pictures, I absolutely hate the way I look. I know I don't have nearly as much room to talk about it as others since I'm not necessarily big, but I can't help the way I feel. Anyone can feel terrible about themselves, no matter what size they are. I'm just terrible at taking action to change myself so I can stop hating the person in the mirror.
And of course, there's the whole business with my parents and stuff eating me from the inside out. The whole self-esteem thing is just the cherry on top! Essentially, EVERYTHING that's been going on over the past two to three weeks has been eating me alive, wearing me down, destroying me, and breaking me down. I try really hard to stay positive, but I just want to cry. I don't really feel like there are people in my life that I can completely talk to about this comfortably.I tried to talk to my sister about the whole business with my parents last night, but she just kinda dismissed it and brought up (equally valid) worries of her own. I wouldn't dare talk to her about how worried I was about my appearance and weight because I know she's had significantly harder struggles with it than I ever have, and if I did she would chastise me for feeling the way I do. I can tell Andy about a lot of this, but it doesn't really do very much because, seeing through rose-colored glasses as he does, he can only say things like "You don't deserve that," or "You're beautiful just the way you are." As sweet and well-meaning as those are, they don't really make things any better. I still feel trapped in the self-loathing pit. I wouldn't take this to my parents for all the tea in China because they would probably hate me too for it. I don't really know if I could tell anyone at school about it. I know my friend Maddi knows that not everything has been okay with me, but I haven't really been ready to talk about it. I might be able to talk to Abby, Dylan, or Tony about it, most likely Abby, but I never really know when I'll get a chance to see them together again.
I just don't see any other way to face this other than to go it alone.
Everything has decided to simultaneously kick me in the urethra over and over and over and over again. I love life! It's the best! Also, I'm the world's worst optimist. I'm terrible at that whole thing. As well as the whole "time management" thing and a whole plethora of other things. I was just starting to get my grades back where I wanted them, but it looks like I'm going to be walking on the edge of a knife until the semester ends. Maybe even until I'm out of school. Maybe when I die? Maybe it just never ends! Nonetheless, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to get out.
Yesterday and 12/10
Yesterday was a hectic, bleh day that I don't want to relive anytime soon! On the bright side, I now have several things off of my plate and that helps me somewhat. But, of course, there's always always more getting added to the pile! Yesterday was also marked my 18th month with Andy! I know in the long run, a year and a half isn't that long, but when you're young it feels like forever!
Today was uneventfu, just homework and the usual shuffling from class to class. I still have no motivation, I'm still pretty bleh and joyless, and I just want to sleep all the time. Christmas Break can't come fast enough, oh my goodness!
Today was uneventfu, just homework and the usual shuffling from class to class. I still have no motivation, I'm still pretty bleh and joyless, and I just want to sleep all the time. Christmas Break can't come fast enough, oh my goodness!
Monday, December 8, 2014
STAR STUDENT RIGHT HERE
I have absolutely no motivation when it comes to my homework for tonight. I'm just kinda putzing along with my math. I'm about halfway done, but in my defense I'm doing three assignments at once since I procrastinated a lot last week and over the weekend. I also forgot a textbook that I needed for religion so I may be screwed there tomorrow... I also still have to finish reading Othello for English while paying particular attention to Act 5. AND I'm supposed to be studying for my exams, which are next week. I haven't done any of that!
12/8/14
Today was a pretty solid day! My sister and I went in to school early to decorate lockers for Christmas, which was a little hectic but a lot of fun. They turned out really nicely. I also filled out my housing application for DePaul, and I'm really excited about that!
Sunday, December 7, 2014
It. Is. FINISHED.
I think I'm officially done with my research paper... this is too good to be true....
I hate EVERYTHING
I hate EVERYTHING right now and I feel like I'm trapped in a pit of despair. It's freaking glorious, I'll tell you that.
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