8/29/14

Today was a really really awful day for pretty much everyone I know. I had more tension headaches, some classmate's grandpa died, and more. My neighbor got a speeding ticket when she was driving me home from school, and the poor thing was so so so upset and couldn't stop crying the whole way home. Then in newspaper, things were really rough for me. Lately I've been feeling more and more like a doormat to my co-editor. Don't get me wrong, she's an incredibly gifted designer and she's incredibly responsible and organized, and I respect her so so much, but I feel left out of major moments and I look like an idiot in the process. Even if other's don't see me that way, I can't help but feel like an idiot when the staff asks me questions that I have no clue how to answer, like what''s for homework. And today we had all of our story ideas due, and me, our adviser, and the girl were supposed to all look through them to get an idea of what's going on before people start turning in their rough drafts, or so I thought.

Instead, the adviser looked through all the ideas and gave everybody their rightful grades, then the girl took them all and planned out the entire issue. Basically, she decided every single thing that was going to be published in the issue.

If I wasn't sharing this position with her, I wouldn't have been as upset as I was, but it really hurt my feelings and made me feel forgotten, ignored, and powerless. I wanted to say something right then and there, but I couldn't and if I did I would've regretted it, because 1). I suck at confronting people who are "equals" who intimidate me, 2). I didn't want to ruin our dynamic as a leadership team for the rest of the year, 3). I knew if I tried to say anything I'd start to cry in front of everyone, and if I did I'd make an ass of myself, 4). publicly berating her wouldn't solve anything and I need to learn how to work with people like her for the rest of my life, and 5). I needed to calm down before I did anything stupid and could talk it through with our adviser before doing anything.

After school ended, I went and talked with my adviser in her classroom. She was very kind and understanding and put up with my impossible to contain crying, and she gave me some great advice:

"There are two types of leaders, chess leaders and checker leaders. You're a chess leader; you see every person as a vital piece and use their strengths to push you towards a victory. She is a checker leader. Each piece looks the same, and each is one of many means to an end. That's not necessarily bad, but if you ignore the big picture and make each individual feel like the team's victory is one of his or her personal victories, you become a tyrant."

What she taught me about myself is that I work hard to make sure everyone feels included in every victory and that I play to other's strengths to make that happen. I boost morale and serve as a guiding light for others. I don't see other's as means to a personal victory: it's a team effort.

Nonetheless, I'm nervous.