Wednesday, December 10, 2014
I'm not okay
Okay, I'm kinda getting some things done tonight as far as homework and projects and other bleh-ness goes, so I hate myself and almost everything else around me a little smidgen bit less. I still am thoroughly disgusted with my appearance, body, grades, allergies, habits, laziness, and all-around ehhhh-ness to make up for that small degree of positivity adequately.
Back when I was in my sophomore year, I started to believe that I may be manic-depressive. Lately I've been thinking that that's highly possible, but maybe I'm just a mental-illness hypochondriac. After all, in order to be manic-depressive, I'd have to go through manic stages, not just depressive states that get progressively worse, show some improvement, then tank again. I hate my pessimism that I've had the past several weeks. I can't really explain it. I try really damn hard to be optimistic, but frankly, I'm disgusted with myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate everything about me. What's worse is that I don't even have the willpower to change it. I'm too weak-willed to consider stopping eating or throwing up or cutting or anything dangerous like that, but I'm also too weak-willed to go about changing myself in a healthy way. I never have the time to exercise, I have terrible portion control, and by the end of the night it's miraculous that I can even wash my face and brush my teeth, let alone anything else.
I'm incredibly nervous. I want nothing more than to get better so I can stop hating myself and feeling disgusted, but for the next week or so I just don't see that happening. And I've grown incredibly nervous about how others perceive me. I see my face looking chubbier in the mirror, I see my stomach bulging out when I sit or stand or do freaking anything, I see my muffin top and my acne and oil on my face and the slow yellowing of my teeth throughout the day and I just want to hurl myself off a cliff. I hardly took selfies in the first place, but at this point I don't even take selfies on Snapchat that would disappear in seconds.
I think the last time I felt pretty was during homecoming, but even when I look back at the pictures, I absolutely hate the way I look. I know I don't have nearly as much room to talk about it as others since I'm not necessarily big, but I can't help the way I feel. Anyone can feel terrible about themselves, no matter what size they are. I'm just terrible at taking action to change myself so I can stop hating the person in the mirror.
And of course, there's the whole business with my parents and stuff eating me from the inside out. The whole self-esteem thing is just the cherry on top! Essentially, EVERYTHING that's been going on over the past two to three weeks has been eating me alive, wearing me down, destroying me, and breaking me down. I try really hard to stay positive, but I just want to cry. I don't really feel like there are people in my life that I can completely talk to about this comfortably.I tried to talk to my sister about the whole business with my parents last night, but she just kinda dismissed it and brought up (equally valid) worries of her own. I wouldn't dare talk to her about how worried I was about my appearance and weight because I know she's had significantly harder struggles with it than I ever have, and if I did she would chastise me for feeling the way I do. I can tell Andy about a lot of this, but it doesn't really do very much because, seeing through rose-colored glasses as he does, he can only say things like "You don't deserve that," or "You're beautiful just the way you are." As sweet and well-meaning as those are, they don't really make things any better. I still feel trapped in the self-loathing pit. I wouldn't take this to my parents for all the tea in China because they would probably hate me too for it. I don't really know if I could tell anyone at school about it. I know my friend Maddi knows that not everything has been okay with me, but I haven't really been ready to talk about it. I might be able to talk to Abby, Dylan, or Tony about it, most likely Abby, but I never really know when I'll get a chance to see them together again.
I just don't see any other way to face this other than to go it alone.
Back when I was in my sophomore year, I started to believe that I may be manic-depressive. Lately I've been thinking that that's highly possible, but maybe I'm just a mental-illness hypochondriac. After all, in order to be manic-depressive, I'd have to go through manic stages, not just depressive states that get progressively worse, show some improvement, then tank again. I hate my pessimism that I've had the past several weeks. I can't really explain it. I try really damn hard to be optimistic, but frankly, I'm disgusted with myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate everything about me. What's worse is that I don't even have the willpower to change it. I'm too weak-willed to consider stopping eating or throwing up or cutting or anything dangerous like that, but I'm also too weak-willed to go about changing myself in a healthy way. I never have the time to exercise, I have terrible portion control, and by the end of the night it's miraculous that I can even wash my face and brush my teeth, let alone anything else.
I'm incredibly nervous. I want nothing more than to get better so I can stop hating myself and feeling disgusted, but for the next week or so I just don't see that happening. And I've grown incredibly nervous about how others perceive me. I see my face looking chubbier in the mirror, I see my stomach bulging out when I sit or stand or do freaking anything, I see my muffin top and my acne and oil on my face and the slow yellowing of my teeth throughout the day and I just want to hurl myself off a cliff. I hardly took selfies in the first place, but at this point I don't even take selfies on Snapchat that would disappear in seconds.
I think the last time I felt pretty was during homecoming, but even when I look back at the pictures, I absolutely hate the way I look. I know I don't have nearly as much room to talk about it as others since I'm not necessarily big, but I can't help the way I feel. Anyone can feel terrible about themselves, no matter what size they are. I'm just terrible at taking action to change myself so I can stop hating the person in the mirror.
And of course, there's the whole business with my parents and stuff eating me from the inside out. The whole self-esteem thing is just the cherry on top! Essentially, EVERYTHING that's been going on over the past two to three weeks has been eating me alive, wearing me down, destroying me, and breaking me down. I try really hard to stay positive, but I just want to cry. I don't really feel like there are people in my life that I can completely talk to about this comfortably.I tried to talk to my sister about the whole business with my parents last night, but she just kinda dismissed it and brought up (equally valid) worries of her own. I wouldn't dare talk to her about how worried I was about my appearance and weight because I know she's had significantly harder struggles with it than I ever have, and if I did she would chastise me for feeling the way I do. I can tell Andy about a lot of this, but it doesn't really do very much because, seeing through rose-colored glasses as he does, he can only say things like "You don't deserve that," or "You're beautiful just the way you are." As sweet and well-meaning as those are, they don't really make things any better. I still feel trapped in the self-loathing pit. I wouldn't take this to my parents for all the tea in China because they would probably hate me too for it. I don't really know if I could tell anyone at school about it. I know my friend Maddi knows that not everything has been okay with me, but I haven't really been ready to talk about it. I might be able to talk to Abby, Dylan, or Tony about it, most likely Abby, but I never really know when I'll get a chance to see them together again.
I just don't see any other way to face this other than to go it alone.
Everything has decided to simultaneously kick me in the urethra over and over and over and over again. I love life! It's the best! Also, I'm the world's worst optimist. I'm terrible at that whole thing. As well as the whole "time management" thing and a whole plethora of other things. I was just starting to get my grades back where I wanted them, but it looks like I'm going to be walking on the edge of a knife until the semester ends. Maybe even until I'm out of school. Maybe when I die? Maybe it just never ends! Nonetheless, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to get out.
Yesterday and 12/10
Yesterday was a hectic, bleh day that I don't want to relive anytime soon! On the bright side, I now have several things off of my plate and that helps me somewhat. But, of course, there's always always more getting added to the pile! Yesterday was also marked my 18th month with Andy! I know in the long run, a year and a half isn't that long, but when you're young it feels like forever!
Today was uneventfu, just homework and the usual shuffling from class to class. I still have no motivation, I'm still pretty bleh and joyless, and I just want to sleep all the time. Christmas Break can't come fast enough, oh my goodness!
Today was uneventfu, just homework and the usual shuffling from class to class. I still have no motivation, I'm still pretty bleh and joyless, and I just want to sleep all the time. Christmas Break can't come fast enough, oh my goodness!
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