HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM OHIO!!!!!

I have about an hour until everybody comes over, yay!!!!

It's been a pretty lazy day so far, but currently my allergies are destroying me. Ugggggggh I hate sniffles!!!!

New Year's Eve Y'all

Good morning!!! Well, almost noon, but whatever!!! I'm pretty excited for today, because New Year's Eve is one of my favorite celebrations! I love thinking forward and looking towards the future, and what better time to do that than New Year's Eve? It's such a hopeful, pleasant time if you're in the right company. Typically, we ring in the new year at our neighbors' house, but this year we're hosting. A bunch of my parents' friends are coming over, and then Abby, Dylan, and Andy are coming as well! I'm SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!

Contemplating North Korea for some odd Reason

I just watched a really fascinating documentary on North Korea. With the whole hullabaloo (ohhh I love that word) with the Seth Rogen and James Franco stoner-comedy The Interview it's seemed pretty essential as of late to really understand what is happening in that country. Having been the butt of jokes in America for ages, it's easy to believe that the country itself is not a threat. However, I (and I'm sure many other people) had heard and read stories that seemed too cruel to be true: tales of a mass execution in a stadium- the offense being watching American movies (despite the vast film collection of the country's supreme leader), stories from escaped guards of the brutal work camps, and the stories of expatriates who miraculously survived the hardship of escaping the country. It seems surreal to think that in a world where everybody is so so connected and involved with one another, one lone, small nation is telling the rest of the world where they can stick their globalization efforts while simultaneously destroying all of its citizens through boundless cruelty. The worst part is, no nation has truly stepped up to say "Hey, this is wrong." Part of that comes from the nuclear power that small nation possesses, but nonetheless it is still shocking that hardly effort has been taken to help those brainwashed, dying people. With America's tendency to take on wars in order to "preserve and promote democracy," why aren't we putting effort into doing that where it's needed most? 

I guess the blatantly obvious answer to that question is that North Korea has nothing to offer us in return (coughcoughMIDDLEEASTERNOILcough). It's kinda shameful.

Tonight we went to my dad's swearing-in ceremony! It was basically an hour and a half of meeting strangers and getting awkward hugs from creepy old men that I hardly know! 10/10 would not do again. On the bright side, I won't have to go to any more of those events since my dad has six years to go before he needs to run again!

Believe it or not, I actually exercised today! I went on a short walk with my dog and my sister. My sister's been on a health kick, so she's been using all these different apps. She showed me a few. I like the MyFitnessPal app. It's really easy to use and it covers a lot of bases. 

I have a headache right now and I kinda need to take a nap but I lack the motivation to turn off the lights in my room. Ohhh lazy-girl First-World problems...

Hello world! I haven't done much today, but I did make the breakfast of champions! I made a breakfast sandwich with egg whites, cheese, and Canadian bacon and then I made myself a smoothie with strawberries, spinach, a little banana (I detest bananas and will only put a tiny amount in the smoothies I make), and some orange juice! It was all really delicious. I plan on getting some exercise today. I really need to get back on track with my health.

In the words of Ice Cube, today was a good day; I didn't even have to use my A-K.

Tonight

Andy and I had a wonderful time tonight! After exchanging gifts (he got me some movies, I got/constructed a director's chair for him and had a Beatles calendar for him too!) we went out for sushi. He has never had it before. He struggled a little with chopsticks, but it was pretty adorable! He tried the California Roll (the "beginners' roll"/ the roll for people that aren't really that into sushi but still want to eat it in order to look cool), and wasn't a big fan of it because it has more avocado than anything else, which washes out the rest of the flavors. I had a "Spicy Phoenix Roll" which is crab, spicy shrimp, and spicy crayfish (it's not spicy at all) with delicious crispy crunchy bits wrapped up in sesame seeded rice and this sweet rice paper. It's sooooo good. It comes with this dipping sauce which has a little spice to it, but overall it's fairly sweet. He tried that, and decided that the next time we get sushi, he's just going to get what I get since I know what I'm doing! We spent the rest of the night making fun of rom-coms and Adam Sandler movies that were on cable and eating homemade ice cream (his older sister is an AMAZING dessert chef- she made a whole plethora of cookies for Christmas, regularly bakes cakes and cupcakes from scratch, and then had made dark chocolate/cayenne pepper/cinnamon ice cream and vanilla ice cream with cherry cobbler inside of the ice cream!). It was a fantastic night, and I wouldn't have traded anything that happened today, from running errands with my sister this morning to typing this post. It couldn't get better!

12/29/14

Today my sister and I went on a bunch off errands for my mom. It was fun at first, but then it got really tiring. On the bright side, I had a really delicious lunch at Skyway (a drive-in burger place) with her, and Andy's roommate/best friend Matt was our waiter. We tipped well! I'm going to see Andy in about an hour. I'm excited! We're going to get sushi, which he's never had before. I've been craving a particular sushi roll, so I'm pumped!

Goodnight!!!!

Despite the fact that I had to go to 3/4ths of a mass today, it was pretty great overall. I'm excited for tomorrow because I'm FINALLY going to see Andy! He's been back from school for three weeks now, but I haven't been able to see him at all between finals, being sick, and then both of our work schedules. And it kinda sucks cuz I'll only get to see him once over break since he's heading up to Canada with his family for the remainder of break. I don't know exactly when I'm going to get to see him next. He may be coming back home for my birthday next month, but that's not set in stone yet so I'm not certain that it'll happen. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed, though.

This is a very good day ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I OFFICIALLY HAVE A ROOMMATE HOLY CRAP

OH MY GOODNESS THE GIRL FROM COLUMBUS WHO I WANT TO ROOM WITH SAID SHE'D LOVE TO ROOM WITH ME TOO SO WE MADE IT OFFICIAL THIS IS SO EXCITING YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!!

DePaul Playlist

Someone in the DePaul Facebook group made a Spotify playlist of everybody's favorite songs, and it's pretty rad! I tried to link it, but it wouldn't work. You can look it up though. It's under the title "DePual 2019" (he made it at 2AM, so spelling kinda went out the window...).

I haven't started any of my homework for over break oops oops oops I don't care oops oops oops

Roommate Situation Update!!!

So after the whole smoker/non-smoker debacle, a girl from Columbus ,essaged me over the housing site, and we may room together! She seems really cool; we do a lot of the same activities in school, and we're both planning on majoring in digital cinema at DePaul. I hope that I end up rooming with her, she's very nice! Plus it'll be easier to cancel all of the other requests I sent if we decide to request each other.

I had to go to mass this morning (uggggghhhhh) but I managed to sneak out early and went to Dunkin Donuts to kill time. I tried the Sugar Cookie Iced Coffee that they have, and oh my goodness was it delicious!!!!! I'm not a big fan of coffee in general (not a surprise, coming from a former Starbucks employee), but Dunkin has some fantastic coffee drinks. 10/10 would drink again. Five stars!!!

Goodnight!

12/27/14

Work today was okay. It was incredibly slow during the last three hours. Only ten people came into the store over that period of time. It got to the point where my manager let me take a nap in the back room! It was kinda boring, but I at least got extra hours to make up for the time I lost when I was sick. I don't work at all next week, and I'm cool with that! Now, I'm just kinda tired.

Work Yesterday

Okay, so yesterday was pretty eventful! First, I had to take our new LTE on a field trip to the food court at the mall because he had no idea that there was one! Secondly, an Evangelical Christian lady gave me a pamphlet on "How to Know You're Going to Heaven" since I helped her find shoes for her grandmother. She wanted to make sure I would be able to join her there, since she knew she would be going to heaven. She also gave one to my friend Courtney, who was ringing her up! Then, an old white lady told the new LTE, Brad, that he looked like Tiger Woods. He doesn't. Not even remotely! After he was done talking to her, he went on the radio and said "The only thing Tiger Woods and I have in common is that we're both lightskinned black guys!" and then every few minutes our manager would come over the radio and chant "Tiger Woods y'all Tiger Tiger Woods y'all" and everyone would just start randomly laughing! Then, I dropped part of a desk on my foot which was ehhhhh.

I love the people I work with, but right now I don't wanna go to work today...

Boxing Day 2014

It was a looooong day at work today and I'm beat. I have some solid stories, but I'm too tired to type anything! I'll update on that tomorrow, Goodnight!

I done goofed...

So I accidentally put on my housing profile for DePaul that I'm a smoker, so it turns out that about half the girls who got in touch with me are smokers... I don't know how to break it to them that I don't want to room with someone that smokes... My best option right now is to say that somebody requested me back as a roommate and I'm going to room with said person. I would include something about how I can't wait to meet them in person, though! I just feel bad doing that to anybody. But I don't see any other option that would spare their feelings...

Goodnight!

I have to work tomorrow, and I can already imagine the slew of people coming in to return things they got for Christmas and didn't want at all. Malls are typically super busy the day after Christmas because of returns, but also because there are typically a ton of sales with stores trying to clear out the stuff they didn't sell during Christmas. People are pretty much ALWAYS grumpy, so I'm not particularly looking forward to dealing with customers. I'm just kinda thankful that I survived Christmas Eve! There was a surprising number of people out shopping, even when the mall was closing at 6:00. I understand that not everybody has the ability to spend time with their families on Christmas Eve, but why on earth would anybody want to spend the holidays at an outlet mall?! It beats me. Nonetheless, they still came in droves. On the bright side, I'll get to meet our new Limited Term Employee (like myself) Brad. My friend Hunter quit a few weeks ago because he couldn't balance work with his basketball schedule. He had a great sense of humor, so I'll miss him. On the bright side, I get a few more hours, which makes my paychecks somewhat fatter. 

I just ate half my weight in leftovers, and I'm not even mad!

MERRY CHRISTMAHANNAKWANZA!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAHANNAKWANZA EVERYBODY!!!!!! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and that all your wishes came true! I had a pretty solid holiday, I got a lot of necklaces and sweaters and pajamas and stuff! We also had all of our family over at our house for Christmas. Today was also exciting because I got messages from not one, but TWO potential roommates at DePaul!

I just watched all of Childrens Hospital and I'm not even mad!

Oh dear god I caved and wrote a really stupid-sounding post on DePaul's official Class of 2019 Facebook page... I feel really really stupid because there's been absolutely no reaction to it yet, whereas the majority of these posts has a bazillion likes and comments. WHAT DID I DO WRONG TELL ME LORDS OF FACEBOOK GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

12/23/14

Today was pretty uneventful. i just did chores and then went to Target to pick up some stuff for my sister's stocking. My mom is mad at me because I spent $22 instead of $15... oops.... Sorry I love my sister, I guess! Later, I'm going to FaceTime one of my roommates from the Envision Program, Meagan. She lives in Connecticut and AHHHH I miss her!!!!!! 

I also got accepted to Cleveland State University, which is funny because I never actually applied there...

Yesterday was a lot more exciting. I went to a salon and got my hair died to match my roots. It's SO dark. I've been getting blonde highlights since I was in sixth grade, so seeing my hair nearly black was definitely a shock. After that, I went to my friend Christina's house for a Christmas party. It was a ton of fun! We had a gingerbread house-decorating competition, a solid home-cooked Italian meal, a hilarious white elephant gift exchange that included the likes of a life-sized Barbie doll, a box of condoms, a stocking that contained both boxers and a thong (both from WalMart, of course), homemade yoga pants, and adult men's diapers! After that, we all played Cards Against Humanity for about an hour and a half. The only really strange thing that happened was that my ex boyfriend- I dated this guy for about nine months during my freshman year- after me going through two more boyfriends and being consistently friendly and kind to him, asked for clarity if we "were cool." I said "Yes, of course! It's been three years after all!" and after that he was a lot friendlier to me, so in the end it was positive despite its initial awkwardness. It's kinda nice to not have a sense of dread about him, because for a pretty long time I felt like he would never want to be friends with me again since he would always kinda roll his eyes whenever I'd say something, but I'm glad that that's changing!

12/20/14

This morning I went into a clinic and found out that I don't have a cold, but a severe sinus infection. On the bright side, I have some antibiotics in my system now and I don't have to go into work tomorrow either! 

My dad got me some breakfast, then I went home and slept all day long. Now I'm back on the Netflix grind.

The Past Few Days

So for the first time in ages, I'm sick with something that isn't a sinus infection! I'm pretty positive that I have the common cold, but I won't find out for sure until I see a doctor tomorrow. On the bright side, I won't have to work tomorrow since I'm ill. 

I had finals for the past three days, and they went OKAY. I don't wanna jinx myself. I'm just glad that it's finally winter break and that I survived this semester with minimal trauma.Now I'm just going to veg out with some Netflix until I'm ready to fall asleep.

Finals Today

Today I felt really sick and bleh and tired and I was in no mood whatsoever to take any of my finals. On the bright side, I didn't do as bad as I expected on Stats or Lit, but religion was harder than I expected. In the end I think I'll be ok.

Goodnight

My brain hurts and I'm dead inside.

ugh

Ugggghhh I have a ridiculous headache and ugggggggggggggh I don't wanna study/do work and ugggggggggh I'm sleep deprived and uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

12/16/14

Today consisted of "reviewing" for our exams in school, which was essentially meaningless. The only class where it somewhat counted was my AP Bio class, but even then the reviewing wasn't going so hot for me. Of the exams I'm worried about, I'm most concerned with Bio since it's my worst class (yet somehow still my favorite). After that, it goes AP Stats, AP Literature, Honors Gov, Economics, then Religion. Tomorrow, I have my Stats, Lit, and Religion exams. Just thinking about all of the writing I'm going to have to do makes my hand cramp up. I've done a ridiculous amount of writing this week already with my two in-class essays in Lit and rewriting my AP Bio test essays to study from. My right arm is significantly stronger than my left just because of the writing I have to do!

Today for Lit we completed the poetry analysis portion of our exam.I felt like I had lucked out since I was familiar with one of the two poems on the prompt, as it's one of my favorite poems. Last year Andy sent it to me because he had read it in English and it made him think of me. The poems were fairly simple in and of themselves, but as soon as I tried to put my thoughts into words it came out as something along the lines of "hurr durr dur derp herp derp derp herp herp derp herp derp hurrrrrrr durrr duuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

Here is that first poem, the Keats poem:

WHEN I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high pil`d books, in charact'ry,
Hold like rich garners the full-ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,	5
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And feel that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour!
That I shall never look upon thee more,	10
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;—then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think,
Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink.

Goodnight!!!!

Hells yeah I finished my homework before midnight can I get a whoop whoop?!

I'm back from my Gov review (which was surprisingly fun- I think the fact that it was at a Panera helped a lot), and I'm currently driving the struggle bus with my homework. Just shoot me please!!!!!!!!

12/15/14

Today was an okay day! I hardly did anything in any of my classes. My Othello exam for English wasn't too terrible, and then in all my other classes we basically putzed around and called it "review." The Newspaper Christmas party/Secret Santa gift exchange was pretty great! I got a Lena Dunham book from one of the girls on the staff. Instead of hauling ass on my homework like I should've been, I started reading it. I really like it a lot so far! Now I have ten minutes until the people O'm driving to the review session arrive... wish me luck tonight...

On the bright side, I'll at least get some Panera!

Goodnight!

I made progress on my Honors Gov homework and some progress on my outline for my Economics research/argumentative essay, but I still have a lot of work to do. I have to make a works cited page sometime tomorrow night. Basically, this outline will be the only thing I work on tomorrow night! 

Tomorrow there's a review for Gov in a Panera 20 minutes away from my house and I don't really know how long it's going to last,so I have to do as much homework as I can between school and the review! And before school, as well. Basically, I'm toast.

Apparently that last post was my 666th post! Yessssssssssssssssss

12/14/14

Today was a solid day. I had to work, but not for nearly as long as I had to yesterday or over Black Friday. It was a really sloooow day today at Famous, so I spent a lot of the day trying on shoes that I've had my eyes on. Seriously, the store was completely empty for a few 15-20 minute stretches. In the end, I bought a pair of black, open-toed leather wedges that look really badass and then a pair of adorable black oxford-style heels. I've been looking for a similar shoe for AGES so it was great to find something like that.

After work, I went to the Starbucks where I used to work and bought some stuff for my newspaper class's Secret Santa. I bought a cute mug and a small gift card. For buying the mug, I got a free soy chai latte which was definitely a perk because I didn't get a chance to eat all day. 

I basically procrastinated the entire night by researching all-women's colleges instead of the foreign policy of post-WWII presidents (excluding Gerald Ford for some reason?) that I was supposed to be for Honors Gov. I just want that class to be over. I couldn't care less about it. Ironically, it's my highest grade.

Yesterday and 12/13/14

Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I did okay on my AP Bio quiz despite not studying, and I had a pretty solid time in Newspaper. I basically slept the entire time I was home while my sister was at a basketball game, having a social life and stuff. My dad had hernia surgery, so I slept in one recliner in our basement while he slept in the other. Overall, it was pretty dull. I just needed the day to end as quickly as possible; I was absolutely dead from everything over the week on the inside and the outside. 

Today I worked from 11-6. It was long and painful. I'm all kinds of sore, and I'm completely beat. I'm not ready to work on homework at all! It's even a struggle to type this post, I've made so many typos and stuff it's taken me double the time to type it. I dealt with the meanest, rudest, nastiest old white man at work today. He had a return that needed done, and was yelling at me for not being a manager so I could return his item for him, filling my cash register, being female, etc. It gave me a headache. 

Essentially, I'm done for the day, week, month, year, decade, century, etc. and need the nap of a lifetime before I can even think about doing ANY homework/studying/exercise/anything remotely productive.

Goodnight.

Screw  everything.

Dying

I've been pounding out stupid freaking homework all night long and I just want to hurl myself off a cliff. Five minutes ago I remembered another assignment that I needed to do and ughgggggghghghghghghghghghghghhhhhhh SHOOT ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12/11/14

Today was significantly better than yesterday. All in all, I'm just going to try to take care of myself the best way that I can.

goodnight

It's not like anyone's reading. No one cares. 

I'm not okay

Okay, I'm kinda getting some things done tonight as far as homework and projects and other bleh-ness goes, so I hate myself and almost everything else around me a little smidgen bit less. I still am thoroughly disgusted with my appearance, body, grades, allergies, habits, laziness, and all-around ehhhh-ness to make up for that small degree of positivity adequately.

Back when I was in my sophomore year, I started to believe that I may be manic-depressive. Lately I've been thinking that that's highly possible, but maybe I'm just a mental-illness hypochondriac. After all, in order to be manic-depressive, I'd have to go through manic stages, not just depressive states that get progressively worse, show some improvement, then tank again. I hate my pessimism that I've had the past several weeks. I can't really explain it. I try really damn hard to be optimistic, but frankly, I'm disgusted with myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate everything about me. What's worse is that I don't even have the willpower to change it. I'm too weak-willed to consider stopping eating or throwing up or cutting or anything dangerous like that, but I'm also too weak-willed to go about changing myself in a healthy way. I never have the time to exercise, I have terrible portion control, and by the end of the night it's miraculous that I can even wash my face and brush my teeth, let alone anything else. 

I'm incredibly nervous. I want nothing more than to get better so I can stop hating myself and feeling disgusted, but for the next week or so I just don't see that happening. And I've grown incredibly nervous about how others perceive me. I see my face looking chubbier in the mirror, I see my stomach bulging out when I sit or stand or do freaking anything, I see my muffin top and my acne and oil on my face and the slow yellowing of my teeth throughout the day and I just want to hurl myself off a cliff. I hardly took selfies in the first place, but at this point I don't even take selfies on Snapchat that would disappear in seconds. 

I think the last time I felt pretty was during homecoming, but even when I look back at the pictures, I absolutely hate the way I look. I know I don't have nearly as much room to talk about it as others since I'm not necessarily big, but I can't help the way I feel. Anyone can feel terrible about themselves, no matter what size they are. I'm just terrible at taking action to change myself so I can stop hating the person in the mirror. 

And of course, there's the whole business with my parents and stuff eating me from the inside out. The whole self-esteem thing is just the cherry on top! Essentially, EVERYTHING that's been going on over the past two to three weeks has been eating me alive, wearing me down, destroying me, and breaking me down. I try really hard to stay positive, but I just want to cry. I don't really feel like there are people in my life that I can completely talk to about this comfortably.I tried to talk to my sister about the whole business with my parents last night, but she just kinda dismissed it and brought up (equally valid) worries of her own. I wouldn't dare talk to her about how worried I was about my appearance and weight because I know she's had significantly harder struggles with it than I ever have, and if I did she would chastise me for feeling the way I do. I can tell Andy about a lot of this, but it doesn't really do very much because, seeing through rose-colored glasses as he does, he can only say things like "You don't deserve that," or "You're beautiful just the way you are." As sweet and well-meaning as those are, they don't really make things any better. I still feel trapped in the self-loathing pit. I wouldn't take this to my parents for all the tea in China because they would probably hate me too for it. I don't really know if I could tell anyone at school about it. I know my friend Maddi knows that not everything has been okay with me, but I haven't really been ready to talk about it. I might be able to talk to Abby, Dylan, or Tony about it, most likely Abby, but I never really know when I'll get a chance to see them together again.

I just don't see any other way to face this other than to go it alone. 

Everything has decided to simultaneously kick me in the urethra over and over and over and over again. I love life! It's the best! Also, I'm the world's worst optimist. I'm terrible at that whole thing. As well as the whole "time management" thing and a whole plethora of other things. I was just starting to get my grades back where I wanted them, but it looks like I'm going to be walking on the edge of a knife until the semester ends. Maybe even until I'm out of school. Maybe when I die? Maybe it just never ends! Nonetheless, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to get out. 

Blargh

Yesterday and 12/10

Yesterday was a hectic, bleh day that I don't want to relive anytime soon! On the bright side, I now have several things off of my plate and that helps me somewhat. But, of course, there's always always more getting added to the pile! Yesterday was also marked my 18th month with Andy! I know in the long run, a year and a half isn't that long, but when you're young it feels like forever!

Today was uneventfu, just homework and the usual shuffling from class to class. I still have no motivation, I'm still pretty bleh and joyless, and I just want to sleep all the time. Christmas Break can't come fast enough, oh my goodness!

STAR STUDENT RIGHT HERE

I have absolutely no motivation when it comes to my homework for tonight. I'm just kinda putzing along with my math. I'm about halfway done, but in my defense I'm doing three assignments at once since I procrastinated a lot last week and over the weekend. I also forgot a textbook that I needed for religion so I may be screwed there tomorrow... I also still have to finish reading Othello for English while paying particular attention to Act 5. AND I'm supposed to be studying for my exams, which are next week. I haven't done any of that! 

Now I just need to tackle my mountain of math homework....

12/8/14

Today was a pretty solid day! My sister and I went in to school early to decorate lockers for Christmas, which was a little hectic but a lot of fun. They turned out really nicely. I also filled out my housing application for DePaul, and I'm really excited about that!

It. Is. FINISHED.

I think I'm officially done with my research paper... this is too good to be true....

Ugggggggh I'm so close yet so far away from being done for the night... It's killing me.

I hate EVERYTHING

I hate EVERYTHING right now and I feel like I'm trapped in a pit of despair. It's freaking glorious, I'll tell you that. 

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday was a pretty busy day for me! I worked for four hours (and there were a lot of rude customers) then I went down to Columbus for a close family friend's Bat Mitzvah. It was a ton of fun. My sister and I hung out with the family's older cousins and had a blast. This morning, the family had a breakfast for all of the close family friends and family members who came from out of town. These sorts of events are incredibly extravagant! A lot of money and effort goes into them; it's almost like planning a large wedding. I'm not always a party person, but I love a Bar/Bat Mitzvah when they come around.

Last night I got around 2 hours of sleep because my dad never stops snoring and it's ridiculous. It was probably the worst night of sleep of my life. I've been kinda grumpy all day because of it. On the bright side, I'm no longer grounded, so huzzah!

Now I just have a ton of homework to do since I had no time yesterday and was too tired to work on Friday. Kill me.

I hate myself.

I'm just trying to sort out a lot of bleh feelings within myself. Most of it involves my family. I love them, but I'm the black sheep of the bunch and we all know it. And I know that my mother loves my sister more than me (and I don't blame her, my sister tells her everything and is easily her best friend). Not being the favorite doesn't really bother me much, just the differences in punishments that happen between us. Like if this whole grounding thing happened to my sister, it never would have gotten to this level and my mom would never have chewed her out and yelled at her and berated and insulted her as much as she did with me. It's just a lot of emotional trash on my plate and I don't know what to do with it exactly. I've never really been comfortable talking to my parents about feelings and stuff. I've been pretty self-sufficient ever since I've been driving, and even before then I've never been one to talk. At my core I'm pretty introverted; I just learned that people tended to like me more if I acted extroverted in social settings, and that's never been something that made it easy for me to let people, especially the people closest to me, in. I can't do much, so I feel really powerless and lost.

12/4 and 12/5/14

Both days were pretty awful and I'm starting to get really sick and kinda depressive and just uggggggggh I can't do anything right and I have no words for anything right now. I just kinda hate everything but most of all myself.

Goodnight

I quit.

I FORGOT I HAD TO FINISH AN AP BIO LAB FOR TOMORROW AND I STILL HAVEN'T DONE ANY OF MY OTHER HOMEWORK I RETRACT EVERYTHING I SAID EARLIER ABOUT PROGRESS I AM BEHIND I AM SO SO SOOOOO BEHIND!!!! I HATE EVERYTHING.

I've made a ton of headway on my research paper tonight, yay!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately for me, I haven't done ANY of my other work!

Welp, it turns out my mom remembered that I was all grounded and stuff, so once again I'm phoneless. The fact that I don't have my phone to play games or surf the internet with is not what bothers me, it's the fact that I have absolutely NO connection to any people. That's what's driving me insane. Even then, I wouldn't say I'm going insane so much as feeling down and depressed more. I have absolutely no motivation as a side effect of that. I at least get to see a lot of my friends at school, but that means nothing when I can't talk to my closest friend and confidante at all. I'm incredibly lonely when I don't have Andy to talk to. If I can at least talk to him every day, I don't have to miss him as much. Even when I'm hundreds of miles away from him for college or even just vacations, being in near-constant contact with him makes things infinitely less unbearable and miserable; when I have had a terrible, rotten, no-good, bad day I can't turn to him to vent/seek advice from or to cheer up. I have to sit there and dwell on my thoughts and dwell on my loneliness. I can't bear that much longer. I miss Andy and I just want to be able to talk to him again. 

Ugggggggggghhhhh

I don't feel like doing anything tonight blehhhhhhhh shoot me please and thank you in advance...

I have sooooo much work to get done it's driving me insane. I'm also starting to feel a little bit under the weather. And of course, there's the whole "I'm really really lonely since I can't talk to anybody" thing... 

I also hope this "grounding" which is essentially pointless, comes to an end soon and very soon. I miss Andy and my friends.

12/3/14

Today wasn't nearly as bleh as yesterday was. I'm just a little worried about the whole Bat Mitzvah/Work on Saturday situation. I know my mom was calling in, and it was not exactly pretty... When she wants something, she can be incredibly intimidating for a 5'2" woman. I admire it in her, but I really hope that it doesn't cost me my job this time around...

Goodnight!

I think my mom may have forgotten that I've been "grounded." By the end of the day tomorrow, I'm betting that she'll completely forget about everything. Until then, I'm calling it a night!

On the bright side, my parents brought me birthday cake ice cream which was pretty glorious! And I got a lot of work done on  my Stats project and my homework for religion. I'm still nowhere close to where I had planned to be for my research paper though, oops...

12/2/14

Today. Was. AWFUL. Absolutely horrible in almost every possible way. Everything overall was just incredibly difficult, and Honors Government has officially put me over the edge. This boy in my class wrote a particularly awful bill for the Congress project and was absolutely butthurt by the response he got to it. Another girl and primarily myself tore it to shreds, so since his pride has been hurt, he has a vendetta against her and I, but mostly me since I made him look like an idiot for his weak arguments. Anywho, I had to re-present my bill for the "Senate" and I knew that he most certainly would try to do something to try to trip me up, and sure enough, he bombarded me with rude questions that I gave witty and sassy responses to, then tried to filibuster me by reading from Mein Kampf. Yup. Mein Kampf. He continues to harass me outside of class, and if he keeps this behavior up, I'm going to have to confront him. If it came to that, I would simply apologize for hurting his pride, but tell him that he's taking things too far and that he needs to grow up. 

I'm just so so so so sick of that class and the majority of the people in it.

Goodnight

I'm calling it a night. I'm gonna truck through this week as fast as I can, and that's what I'm going to concentrate on. Goodnight.

12/1/14

I'm currently knee-deep in research papers now, but it's a huge relief to no longer have to worry about my stock market project for Economics. I'm just counting down to the end of the semester, it's all I can do at this point. 

School today wasn't overly terrible, it just wasn't my idea of joyful. Everything has just been "projects, projects, papers, projects, articles, exams, tests, projects, homework, projects, debates, papers, exams, exams, projects...." On the bright side, my grades have been going up and my GPA is at the highest it's been since school started this year! I mean I'll never have a 4.553 like I did at the end of the second week of school ever again, but a girl can dream! I'm having less and less B's, and if I did as well on my AP Bio test last week as I've been hoping I did, I'm going to be in fantastic shape at the end of this quarter!

I managed to go with my sister to take our dog on a 2-mile long walk. It was a nice distraction, but it wasn't really enough to get me through the day. I just want to curl up in a ball because I'm sore and lonely.

I can't wait one bit until next semester when I have a study hall and Advanced Video Production and no more Honors Government or Economics, get my scholarship applications and housing business done for college, and so on. I just can't wait to be finished with all of that stuff. 

I can hardly wait until the end of the week, for that matter. Not getting to talk to Andy every day has been driving me crazy, and it's only been about 24 hours since the whole debacle started. It makes me miss him. I miss being able to talk to my friends and play games and stuff too. I don't enjoy being grounded in this way at all. It's too lonely, and I hate being away from Andy and my friends like this. How am I going to make it through the week, let alone to Wednesday?!

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I'M SORRY FOR THE ALL-CAPS, I'M JUST REALLY EXCITED HERE!!!!!!!!

WOOP WOOP I'M DONE WITH MY STOCK PROJECT

NOW I CAN JUST WORK ON MY RESEARCH ESSAY UNTIL IT'S TIME TO GET TO BED!

Overall I'm just really stressed out, and it's not fun at all. 

GROUNDED

Last night, my mom discovered my texts to my sister that contained profanity, which lead to her digging up every little thing of mine (except for this blog), going through it, bemoaning my language, and grounding me from the use of my phone. I'm not sure if this will affect my work on this blog much, but I can never be too sure. I also have a lot on my plate this week with one-act rehearsals starting up, orthodontist appointments, and trying to find a replacement for work on Saturday so I can go to a close friend's Bat Mitzvah. I'm keeping my fingers crossed with that last one. My mom will kill me if I don't go. I also have to finish a research paper this week because I won't have the time to do it over the weekend.