AHHHH I GOT A ROOM RESERVATION FOR DEPAUL HOUSING YAY!!!!!

Final Submission piece!!!

Here's my last article!!!

Socially inept man responds “you too” when wished happy birthday

Local bumbling failure Greg Saxton, 31, was once again horrendously mortified by his inadequacy when he said “you too” to the Applebee's waitress wishing him a happy birthday during a celebration with coworkers. This is not the first time Saxton has completely and utterly embarrassed himself in this manner.

“What a fucking idiot,” Saxton imagines the waitress saying to her coworkers.

After the gaffe, Saxton quickly returned to his apartment where he lives completely alone, blasted some Alanis Morisette, stress-ate Rocky Road ice cream, and drank himself senseless until he fell asleep half naked in his bathtub.

When asked about the incident, waitress Brittany Rhoades, 22, said “Who? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Saxton is not expected to return to the public sphere in the next two weeks.

Comedy Magazine Update

I've finished two of my articles!!!! I have one more to go and then I can turn in my submission. Here are the two I've finished!

Woman disappointed after hiring handyman off Craigslist; hoped to “at least be kidnapped or something”

Mary Pollich, 30, of Braddyville, Iowa was left unsatisfied after a Craigslist encounter left her home in the best shape it’s been in for months.

“After reading about the Craigslist Killers in Ohio, I was intrigued,” Pollich wistfully said. “Ever since I was a little girl I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to be kidnapped  or maybe murdered by a complete stranger.” According to her closest neighbors in the next town over, Pollich always “lived on the edge.”

Taking her fate into her own hands, Pollich turned to the source herself, posting ad after ad trying to find just the type of person she was looking for, yet time after time the candidate was never “creepy enough” for her tastes.

“I was incredibly hopeful at first when this huge guy knocked on my door, I knew my time had come,” Pollich says of the incident. “Like COME ON he had a ponytail and a lazy eye, that just screams ‘I’m gonna trap you in a pit in my basement!”

Pollich had taken every possible precaution to ensure the results she wanted- she lived alone, moved out to isolated Braddyville from Cedar Rapids, and cut off almost all contact with the outside world. Nevertheless, she was sorely disappointed when Craigslist user pussyslayyyer_69 fixed her leaky faucet and removed a hamster-sized ball of hair from her shower drain, taking off in his windowless white van after receiving payment.

Despite her initial failure, Polich remains hopeful that her Stockholm Syndrome fantasies will be realized. “Next time I’ll just have to try the Personals.”

Rachel Dolezal has inspired my transition into a Native American woman

I’ve always been a staunch admirer of Native American culture. My favorite sports teams are the Cleveland Indians, Chicago Blackhawks, and the Washington Redskins; I collect dreamcatchers, have a Pinterest board devoted to Sitting Bull quotes, have “passed around the peace pipe, ”and dammit if I don’t love a good pair of tribal print leggings! But never before these last few weeks did it occur to me that maybe this admiration was something more until I saw Rachel Dolezal on the news. In her, I saw a woman who took what she wanted and lived as she pleased; she gave me the courage to look inside myself and find out who I truly am. So without any reservations (pun intended), I am proud to announce that I identify as a Native American woman.

I know what you’re thinking, “who are these white chicks who think they can just go around appropriating cultures like it’s a fucking game?!” Let me answer that question with another question: how do you know that I’m really white? Even though I’m 30% Irish, 15% German, 12% Scottish, 4.6 % Czech, and 28% Mayonnaise, I feel like I’m at least 0.2% Cherokee in there somewhere. Or maybe Sioux! WHO CARES!

Also, let the records show that this is not a phase- it’s who I am! In preschool, I would color my self-portraits in with the red crayon instead of the peach crayon (although that’s probably because Jimmy Cluse ate the peach crayon and it was the best substitute I had because I sure as hell wouldn’t use the orange crayon! I’m not about to appropriate Oompa Loompa culture!).

If Dolezal can lead the NAACP of Spokane, who’s to say that I can’t become a tribal princess in my own right?

I hold this culture- my culture- in the highest regard. Why else would I do so much to support it? Like that time on my family’s road trip to Arizona where I bought a bracelet from a woman on the side of the road. Or when I told off people who tried to call my high school’s mascot, Brave the Injun, offensive. Keeping this inside of me has been my own personal trail of tears.

This is me; I am proud of my brave transition. Now, I can walk into Coachella 2016 or Burning Man 2016 with pride as I wear my feather headdress because I know, in my heart of hearts, that I earned every single feather there (although not by scalping anybody or whatever).

The Job Hunt Continues....

Well, I've taken a few steps now to hopefully attain employment! 

I created a profile with Care.com last night and applied for several pet-sitting jobs, so hopefully that'll help a bit! Care.com is basically an Angie's List for people who like to look after and help others. You can use it to find babysitters, nannies, caretakers, pet/house-sitters, or just somebody to run your errands when you aren't able to. I like it a lot so far; it's easy to use and I'm happy with the jobs that I've applied for so far, plus it's something I could continue doing while I'm at DePaul. Hopefully I'll be able to line up an opportunity or two before I move to Chicago to build up my resume! 

Besides that, I had quite the ordeal trying to get a job this morning at a local pie shop. My dad woke me up bright and early, I was sent out to go to this shop and talk to  whoever I could to obtain a job, and that would be it! Well that isn't what happened. After a long, exasperating wait in traffic, I had a long, exasperating wait in the shop only to be told that nobody could talk to me then and to turn an application in later. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR LATER LIKE YOU  HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME!