Oh my god being home is destroying me. I miss my friends from school so much, I haven't felt this alone in a really long time. I'm doing my best to get money and stuff as a distraction from my loneliness but I'm so stressed out about the thought of growing up and being broke. Also I'm beginning to notice signs of aging and I hate my body and I hate myself and I'm feeling a lot of things right now. I'm really trying to get better about this but it's not something that you can just overcome in a week. Overcoming anxiety, depression, and years and years of self-hatred is FUCKING DIFFICULT.
I've been cleaning and clearing out my room over the past few days. My mom said that everything in this room will eventually move to Chicago with me. I'm pretty skeptical about that, but at this point it doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
Tinder (yeah, I know it's pathetic) makes me want to vomit. When I used it to mess with people and get material for standup comedy it was fun. Now it just makes my soul sad. I dunno, I just can't really connect with somebody that I've never met before and don't really have any intentions of meeting. And then there are SO MANY GROSS PEOPLE on there oh my god it's awful. I know that it's probably best for me to be single now and probably for a little while, but I still get eaten alive by 1.) the fear of dying alone, 2.) the need to be somebody's everything, 3.) the desire to take care of somebody and show them how much they mean to me, and 4) my aching need for intimacy. I just want to be held and feel loved again. While my friends at school help with my desire to care for others, they can't really meet my need for physical intimacy because platonic cuddling is nearly impossible for some people/frowned upon.
Also, humanity is terrible. So much violence and hatred over the past few days. I really feel for my POC friends and the entire POC community, as well as the families of the police officers in Dallas who lost their lives. I don't know what more I can do beyond express that and just be there for anybody who needs somebody to talk to about it.
I don't want to have to choose between a schoolyard bully who brings out the worst in Americans and somebody who I don't trust who hasn't consistently reflected my beliefs. There's an amazing Libertarian candidate, Gary Johnson, but I'm worried that by voting for a third-party candidate I'll "throw away" my vote and enable a victory for somebody who isn't fit to run the country.
Everything kinda sucks right now.
Fuck, I really need a hug and a good cry.
