This has been such a depressing past couple of days. All of my friends (and I do mean all of my friends) have moved away for college. I suck at saying goodbye in general, it's something I tend to avoid, but GOD it has been so hard to sit by and watch while everything that I know is being turned upside down. But for crying out loud, that's all I've been doing.
The last time I saw my best friend Dylan, the week before he moved to Texas for school, we were planning to go to a graduation party the next day. I opted not to go to it, and even though I had a FULL WEEK to text him and be like "sorry about my being a lazy, somewhat antisocial asshole" and/or make some final plans to get dinner or hang out or something, I haven't done jack shit and I feel like the worst friend in the world. I haven't even checked in with him yet to see how he's doing! He's been at school for a week, so tomorrow I'm going to make a very conscientious effort to make up for my shittiness.
Last night was my final date with Andy as he's moving in to Cleveland State tomorrow and needed to spend today packing. Last year before he moved out, I was such a wreck. For the last hour of our evening together, I just curled up in a ball and cried in his arms. When I had to drive myself home, I had to pull myself over because I was getting into hysterics, screaming and crying and hyperventilating like I'd just been brutally stabbed or had seen all of the people close to me murdered. It was terrible. I told myself that this year, I was going to do better and be stronger because I know that it really pains Andy to see me in such a state and causes him to worry about my safety. In a way, I succeeded. I started crying only thirty minutes to the end of our date, and didn't completely launch into hysterics until he had driven me halfway home.
I felt really bad that he had to see me like that; it's so terrifying. I lose all sense of self and can't control anything. I hyperventilate, whimper, wail, sob, and my whole body shakes violently when I get hysterical. Eventually, my Id comes out and I start screaming words and sentences. He told me after the fact that I kept saying "NO" and "I DON'T WANNA GO" and "I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO" and "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME". He deserves a prize for keeping on a brave face all through that. The entire time, he never let go of my hand. Even when I had turned away and curled into a ball in the passenger seat because I didn't want him to see my face, he still caressed my back and shoulders, and when we reached my house he gave me the biggest hug in the world. He should get like a medal of honor for not losing it himself, honestly.
I wanted to die. God, even thinking about it is making me lose control again! I cried all night long last night, and didn't fall asleep until after 4AM, when I made the decision to listen to Beck's Sea Change album (the most melancholy one/Andy's favorite Beck album) and it lulled me to sleep. When I woke up, I was still extremely sad and cried a little more. But then, with support and encouragement from Andy via text and from distracting myself, I had started to feel a bit less awful and a tad more normal.
.....But now I've gone and fucked that all up by rehashing my feelings yet again. Ugggggggghhhhhhhhh Thanksgiving can't come soon enough!!!!!
Honestly the whole "going away"/getting left behind thing has really sapped me of my motivation. I haven't done any surveys on any of my sites or made any efforts to make money, and I haven't even had the energy to write posts here! I know I made a lot of "expect (insert thingy here)" posts or statements and now I just don't know if I have it in me to follow up on those things. I just haven't had any will to do anything, and it's awful.
The worst thing is, is that I know things will look up... I'm just not ready to move on yet and to lose everybody and oh my goodness there's nothing in the world I'd love more than to not have to say goodbye to Andy or Dylan or Abby or Tony or MY OWN SISTER GOD SHE GOES TO SCHOOL BEFORE I DO AND CAN'T COME TO HELP MOVE ME IN OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO MISS HER SO FREAKING MUCH ever again. I almost don't want to go to college- like I want to skip ahead and fast forward to the part in my life where things don't have to suck. Is that too much to ask?
Yep.
