I forgot to mention in my last post a sort-of dilemma I'm having. My sister wants me to break up with Andy for Jack, and even though I like Jack a lot, I love Andy and could never hurt him. She doesn't really understand it. She hates Andy because he's quiet and "weird," but the thing is, Jack is just as quiet if not even more so than Andy, and has a lot of the same quirks. I think it has to do with the fact that my sister judges people by their appearances more than anything else. Like Andy has been the best boyfriend I've ever had without a doubt. He gives me no reason to complain, and even though he's far away and we can't be together as much as we'd like he brightens every single day of mine. He always shows how he cares about me, whether it's a phone call when I need to talk about something, sending me adorable pictures and videos of kittens, puppies, or other baby animals when I'm sad, sending me news articles/clips from shows or movies that remind him of me, talk about things I'm interested in, and so on. He's the perfect gentleman: respectful and kind. He never stops telling me he loves me, and I love him too. He's never hurt anything or anybody, and if I did something that hurt him I could never forgive myself. He's the closest thing to an angel that there is in my eyes.
Still, I can't help but think about Jack a lot. What am I supposed to do? I see so many of the qualities that I love about Andy in him: both are introverted, handsome guys, gifted artists (Andy with writing, music, and films and Jack with Drawing and Painting), sweet as can be, and respectful of others. Andy knows me better than I know myself, we share the same interests, beliefs, and dreams. I don't even know what kind of music Jack likes or what his favorite color is! Andy and I have had (in about one month) two years together to build a solid foundation for our relationship. Not once have we thought, not once has he ever given me even half a reason to leave him, so why on earth should I?
Nonetheless, I still really like Jack and I don't know what to do. I have feelings for him, but I'm pretty scared to act on them because I don't want to even consider hurting Andy or risk him finding out about it. Like I've tried voicing my feelings to people but I don't know what to do. Next year all three of us are going to be spread out across different schools anyway, so why should I try to start anything?
In case you didn't notice, I'm still a bundle of confusion and fellings and hormones.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
WHAT A WEEK!
Okay, I didn't blog at all last week and I'm super sorry about that! But on the bright side, a lot of pretty positive stuff has happened, so overall I'm feeling a bit better about the negative things I was focused on in some of my last posts!
On Monday, I helped Dylan as Abby to Prom. I went out during my study hall and painted her car for him since he wouldn't have any time to, then helped him with getting her outside at just the right time. I was pretty pumped all day because of that, and also my plans to ask my friend Jack to Prom. I had tried so hard with my appearance that day- my hair was curled from the senior pictures, I put a ton of effort into my makeup, I was wearing a skirt, my jewelry was on point, and overall, I felt pretty confidant about my appearance. I wasn't really nervous during the day, not until about 10th period, before I would talk to him. When I finally did talk to him, things went well as usual. Then, when I brought up Prom, things got super super uncomfortable. It went something like this.
ME: What are you doing for Prom?
JACK: Oh, I dunno. I don't think I'm gonna go. I might go to Afterprom though.
ME: Oh, well I don't have a date yet, and I'd really love to go with you. I think we'd have a good time together.
JACK: SILENCE (THE LENGTHY, UNCOMFORTABLE KIND)
ME: OKAY I'M GOING TO GO NOW BYE. KEEP ME POSTED IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.
I felt mortified. I never really was one to put myself out there, usually guys flocked to me instead. I had no idea what to do, so I just cried while helping Dylan with the final stages of asking Abby to Prom. After that, Abby and my other friend, Kaela, who encouraged me to ask Jack in the first place, told me that they talked to him before coming out. Their conversation went something like this.
KAELA: Hey Jack, you're going to Prom right?
JACK: I dunno-
KAELA: Of course you are! And you're going with Emily, remember?
JACK: Oh, yeah! That'd be fun. We're pretty good friends, and Emily is super nice, fun, and easy to talk to. She's great.
LIKE BOY WHY DID YOU NOT SAY THIS TO MY FACE WHEN I WAS WITH YOU FIVE MINUTES EARLIER?!
Needless to say, I was so confused and distraught, and the last thing I wanted to do was go back to school the next day. I was so so embarrassed, I didn't even want to look at Jack let alone attempt to ask him to Prom again. However, Kaela had talked to him the night before (she only told me this afterwards) and told him that I had asked, in case he didn't realize, and he needed to act quick before I wound up going with somebody else. She told me in AP Bio just to talk to him as usual and not even think about yesterday, so that's what I did. As I started walking away, he caught up with me and continued the conversation. This has never really happened before, so I was kinda surprised. Then things took a turn for the better.
JACK: Hey, did you still need a date for Prom?
ME: Yeah, I do.
JACK: Cuz I was thinking that maybe.... it'd make sense if we'd.... if you wanted to..... it'd be fun if we.... (more adorably nervous word vomit) Wanna go to Prom with me?
ME: Yeah, I do!
And then, things got a lot easier. The rest of the week was okay, incredibly uneventful save for Stats. I discovered Tuesday that I am completely invisible to my teacher. It started when my chair in his room was missing (he has tables and chairs instead of desks), so I jokingly kneeled on the ground as though that was how I'd spend the class. I realized that I was actually the same height on my knees as I was in the chair, so it sparked an idea in my head. My tablemates and I decided we we would run an experiment, testing to see how long it would take for my teacher to notice that I was kneeling. Needless to say, he didn't notice! Around the 35 minute mark, one girl at my table bet me a dollar that I wouldn't make it through the whole period (mostly because of the pain of kneeling for nearly an hour), and I took her up on it. I was a winner that day! I was really surprised that the teacher never noticed. I had participated much more actively than usual, another girl behind me tried to get him to notice by asking chair-related questions, and so on. Nothing worked! So, I decided I'd test the limits of my invisibility in AP Stats. The next day, I read the script of Bee Movie out loud all period. Friday, I read a Christianized Harry Potter fanfic called "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles." Still nothing. I think Monday I'll read some Presidential fanfiction, something really crazy and absurd.
This weekend, I don't have much homework so I've been working on things I can do to help with my Prom look. I tanned a lot today, and in the evening I hiked for some exercise. Tomorrow I'm going to tan some more, then I'm going to have a proper workout with a focus on the abs. Monday, I'm starting a cleanse and intensifying my diet. I mean it's only a week of eating like a rabbit, so that's not too terrible. I'll also be doing little spa-like things throughout the week, like face masks galore. I just wish I could skip school for the week and head straight to Prom! I do have the AP Literature exam Wednesday morning, and Bio and Stats the next week. I don't really need to prepare for Lit, but I definitely need to crack down on Bio and Stats if I want to get any credit at DePaul!
On Monday, I helped Dylan as Abby to Prom. I went out during my study hall and painted her car for him since he wouldn't have any time to, then helped him with getting her outside at just the right time. I was pretty pumped all day because of that, and also my plans to ask my friend Jack to Prom. I had tried so hard with my appearance that day- my hair was curled from the senior pictures, I put a ton of effort into my makeup, I was wearing a skirt, my jewelry was on point, and overall, I felt pretty confidant about my appearance. I wasn't really nervous during the day, not until about 10th period, before I would talk to him. When I finally did talk to him, things went well as usual. Then, when I brought up Prom, things got super super uncomfortable. It went something like this.
ME: What are you doing for Prom?
JACK: Oh, I dunno. I don't think I'm gonna go. I might go to Afterprom though.
ME: Oh, well I don't have a date yet, and I'd really love to go with you. I think we'd have a good time together.
JACK: SILENCE (THE LENGTHY, UNCOMFORTABLE KIND)
ME: OKAY I'M GOING TO GO NOW BYE. KEEP ME POSTED IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.
I felt mortified. I never really was one to put myself out there, usually guys flocked to me instead. I had no idea what to do, so I just cried while helping Dylan with the final stages of asking Abby to Prom. After that, Abby and my other friend, Kaela, who encouraged me to ask Jack in the first place, told me that they talked to him before coming out. Their conversation went something like this.
KAELA: Hey Jack, you're going to Prom right?
JACK: I dunno-
KAELA: Of course you are! And you're going with Emily, remember?
JACK: Oh, yeah! That'd be fun. We're pretty good friends, and Emily is super nice, fun, and easy to talk to. She's great.
LIKE BOY WHY DID YOU NOT SAY THIS TO MY FACE WHEN I WAS WITH YOU FIVE MINUTES EARLIER?!
Needless to say, I was so confused and distraught, and the last thing I wanted to do was go back to school the next day. I was so so embarrassed, I didn't even want to look at Jack let alone attempt to ask him to Prom again. However, Kaela had talked to him the night before (she only told me this afterwards) and told him that I had asked, in case he didn't realize, and he needed to act quick before I wound up going with somebody else. She told me in AP Bio just to talk to him as usual and not even think about yesterday, so that's what I did. As I started walking away, he caught up with me and continued the conversation. This has never really happened before, so I was kinda surprised. Then things took a turn for the better.
JACK: Hey, did you still need a date for Prom?
ME: Yeah, I do.
JACK: Cuz I was thinking that maybe.... it'd make sense if we'd.... if you wanted to..... it'd be fun if we.... (more adorably nervous word vomit) Wanna go to Prom with me?
ME: Yeah, I do!
And then, things got a lot easier. The rest of the week was okay, incredibly uneventful save for Stats. I discovered Tuesday that I am completely invisible to my teacher. It started when my chair in his room was missing (he has tables and chairs instead of desks), so I jokingly kneeled on the ground as though that was how I'd spend the class. I realized that I was actually the same height on my knees as I was in the chair, so it sparked an idea in my head. My tablemates and I decided we we would run an experiment, testing to see how long it would take for my teacher to notice that I was kneeling. Needless to say, he didn't notice! Around the 35 minute mark, one girl at my table bet me a dollar that I wouldn't make it through the whole period (mostly because of the pain of kneeling for nearly an hour), and I took her up on it. I was a winner that day! I was really surprised that the teacher never noticed. I had participated much more actively than usual, another girl behind me tried to get him to notice by asking chair-related questions, and so on. Nothing worked! So, I decided I'd test the limits of my invisibility in AP Stats. The next day, I read the script of Bee Movie out loud all period. Friday, I read a Christianized Harry Potter fanfic called "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles." Still nothing. I think Monday I'll read some Presidential fanfiction, something really crazy and absurd.
This weekend, I don't have much homework so I've been working on things I can do to help with my Prom look. I tanned a lot today, and in the evening I hiked for some exercise. Tomorrow I'm going to tan some more, then I'm going to have a proper workout with a focus on the abs. Monday, I'm starting a cleanse and intensifying my diet. I mean it's only a week of eating like a rabbit, so that's not too terrible. I'll also be doing little spa-like things throughout the week, like face masks galore. I just wish I could skip school for the week and head straight to Prom! I do have the AP Literature exam Wednesday morning, and Bio and Stats the next week. I don't really need to prepare for Lit, but I definitely need to crack down on Bio and Stats if I want to get any credit at DePaul!
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