I am failing at finding a job. I owe my mom lord only knows how much money from this vacation. I need to save whatever money I can so I have it while I'm at college, but I don't even have that much to begin with. I NEED to work but I don't know if that's going to happen for me. I don't know how the hell I can make any money. Like I can only get so far with InboxDollars (please please please check it out using the banner- I'm affiliated with that link so I earn a little bit whenever anybody joins the community using that link and I will take anything that I can get), and I may have to join some other online rewards/payment communities.
On top of my money worries, my mom is starting to catch on to the fact that I don't like organized religion, and BOY is she angry with me for it. She keeps saying "seriously, why did I pay all that money for Catholic schools if this is how you repay me?!" and it's really upsetting me. Like she doesn't know that I'm agnostic/a deist (I'm still trying to sort it out, all I know is I certainly am not a Catholic or any other Christian denomination), but she knows that I hate going to church and being in church and doing anything related to church. I'm worried that the truth is just going to slip out at some point during conversation and I just won't be able to keep it from my parents anymore.
I haven't wanted to talk about it with them ever because I'm terrified of their reactions. Like just off my mom's current reactions to my dislike of attending mass I know that a storm is a-brewing. I'm terrified really. I'm scared that they'll reject me and throw me out of their lives and leave me to fend for myself which is something that I'm really ill-equipped to do. My mom's wrath alone is terrifying; she can reduce anybody to tears in a matter of seconds. It's insane. And oh my goodness hearing my parents describe what they'd do to me if I ever became a Democrat makes me tremble in fear of me telling them about how I feel about religion.
I'm sick of living in the shadows and having to lie to myself every time that I'm dragged to church, forced to say grace before family dinners, and so on. I psychologically cannot take it. Every time that I am dragged to mass, I tear up many times and get choked up. Especially when my mom forces me to sing along with the hymns and to participate in the mass. It physically pains my heart, I get a huge lump in my throat just thinking about it. I know that I'm not being true to who I am and that hurts me so much and so deeply but I can't bear to say anything to my parents about it. I know that it'd hurt them so badly and I really hate disappointing them, but this is who I am and I can't change it. I've tried so so hard to believe, I really have. I just can't. And I hate to disappoint my family and make them think that I don't appreciate Catholic school and the moral lessons I've learned there because I DO I really do, but keeping all of this inside of me is tearing me apart.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Help me, I'm poor...
The only job offers I've been getting are scams from human trafficking rings, it's cool...
Yup, that's right! There's been letters going out to many girls ages 18+ in my region from a company offering $15.25 an hour asking us to set up private interviews with them. My mom, after reviewing the letter, advised me against following through with it. (I probably wouldn't have done it anyways, I didn't really understand what the "company" was about and what I'd have to do- I don't like going into things blindly.) Later, I found out that a police investigation unveiled that this group was actually a front for human trafficking. They make girls believe that they're about to be interviewed, give them a roofied glass of water while they wait for their interview, then BAM they're forced into prostitution. Evidently, they found these girls through their social media, so I REALLY need to adjust all my privacy settings!I HATE JOB HUNTING AND I'M TERRIBLE AT IT
Remember how I filled out about 10 job applications about 2 weeks ago? I haven't been contacted by a single place so I've decided to go down my list calling to check on the status of my applications with the hopes of MAYBE securing an interview. I'm over halfway down the list and haven't gotten anywhere yet. In some cases the hiring manager hasn't been in, so I've been deferred for a few days or so. The rest I've been turned away. It's getting to be really late for me to still be hunting for a summer job- the month is halfway over! I only have 2 and a half workable months in me!
I'm Back!!!!!
Europe was fantastic! I loved it a lot, and out of all the family vacations my family has been on, this has been one of our best. We hardly fought at all, and overall we all had a good time!
Paris was absolutely gorgeous! It was pretty rainy while I was there, but that didn't take away from the city's beauty. We saw all kinds of beautiful landmarks, shopped, ate amazing meals, and even visited the Musee d'Orsay! I definitely want to go back there sometime before I'm thirty.
London took awhile for me to fall in love with. It had gorgeous, old buildings and landmarks juxtaposed against ultra modern (but amazing) buildings and structures and hideous office buildings from the 1970s and 80s. It took awhile to get used to that, because the buiildings in Paris had a uniformity of sorts that made the city blend together well. I thought Paris was easier to get around than London, but the London Underground was much easier to understand than Le Metro. We actually got lost in Le Metro, and thanks to the remnants of knowledge I gained from doing a stupid stupid stupid project in French III I was able to get us back to our hotel.
In England, we visited some landmarks (and spent like 4 hours in St. Paul's Cathedral thanks to a ridiculously long guided tour), caught up with some of my mom's old friends from her time in England, saw a club water polo match, ate terrible terrible meals, shopped a TON, and went to the West End to see Bend it Like Beckham The Musical. The show was fantastic, by the way! I loved it a ton, it was really different from many of the musicals that I've seen in the past.
The most difficult parts of the vacation were the flights. Our overseas flights were great. Lufthansa is now officially the greatest airline EVER in my opinion. Their seats were comfortable and spacious, we had a selection of free, endless entertainment, a fantastic in flight meal, and excellent service! It makes me want to fly to Germany more often! The domestic U.S. flights were ATROCIOUS though. On our first flight, they took off an hour late due to computer issues. On our flight back from the Newark airport, we had a half hour delay, no air conditioning on a packed flight in 90 degree weather, and very uncomfortable seating. But hey, if the worst parts of a vacation are getting there and getting back home, that's a pretty great thing!
Paris was absolutely gorgeous! It was pretty rainy while I was there, but that didn't take away from the city's beauty. We saw all kinds of beautiful landmarks, shopped, ate amazing meals, and even visited the Musee d'Orsay! I definitely want to go back there sometime before I'm thirty.
London took awhile for me to fall in love with. It had gorgeous, old buildings and landmarks juxtaposed against ultra modern (but amazing) buildings and structures and hideous office buildings from the 1970s and 80s. It took awhile to get used to that, because the buiildings in Paris had a uniformity of sorts that made the city blend together well. I thought Paris was easier to get around than London, but the London Underground was much easier to understand than Le Metro. We actually got lost in Le Metro, and thanks to the remnants of knowledge I gained from doing a stupid stupid stupid project in French III I was able to get us back to our hotel.
In England, we visited some landmarks (and spent like 4 hours in St. Paul's Cathedral thanks to a ridiculously long guided tour), caught up with some of my mom's old friends from her time in England, saw a club water polo match, ate terrible terrible meals, shopped a TON, and went to the West End to see Bend it Like Beckham The Musical. The show was fantastic, by the way! I loved it a ton, it was really different from many of the musicals that I've seen in the past.
The most difficult parts of the vacation were the flights. Our overseas flights were great. Lufthansa is now officially the greatest airline EVER in my opinion. Their seats were comfortable and spacious, we had a selection of free, endless entertainment, a fantastic in flight meal, and excellent service! It makes me want to fly to Germany more often! The domestic U.S. flights were ATROCIOUS though. On our first flight, they took off an hour late due to computer issues. On our flight back from the Newark airport, we had a half hour delay, no air conditioning on a packed flight in 90 degree weather, and very uncomfortable seating. But hey, if the worst parts of a vacation are getting there and getting back home, that's a pretty great thing!
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