I am failing at finding a job. I owe my mom lord only knows how much money from this vacation. I need to save whatever money I can so I have it while I'm at college, but I don't even have that much to begin with. I NEED to work but I don't know if that's going to happen for me. I don't know how the hell I can make any money. Like I can only get so far with InboxDollars (please please please check it out using the banner- I'm affiliated with that link so I earn a little bit whenever anybody joins the community using that link and I will take anything that I can get), and I may have to join some other online rewards/payment communities.
On top of my money worries, my mom is starting to catch on to the fact that I don't like organized religion, and BOY is she angry with me for it. She keeps saying "seriously, why did I pay all that money for Catholic schools if this is how you repay me?!" and it's really upsetting me. Like she doesn't know that I'm agnostic/a deist (I'm still trying to sort it out, all I know is I certainly am not a Catholic or any other Christian denomination), but she knows that I hate going to church and being in church and doing anything related to church. I'm worried that the truth is just going to slip out at some point during conversation and I just won't be able to keep it from my parents anymore.
I haven't wanted to talk about it with them ever because I'm terrified of their reactions. Like just off my mom's current reactions to my dislike of attending mass I know that a storm is a-brewing. I'm terrified really. I'm scared that they'll reject me and throw me out of their lives and leave me to fend for myself which is something that I'm really ill-equipped to do. My mom's wrath alone is terrifying; she can reduce anybody to tears in a matter of seconds. It's insane. And oh my goodness hearing my parents describe what they'd do to me if I ever became a Democrat makes me tremble in fear of me telling them about how I feel about religion.
I'm sick of living in the shadows and having to lie to myself every time that I'm dragged to church, forced to say grace before family dinners, and so on. I psychologically cannot take it. Every time that I am dragged to mass, I tear up many times and get choked up. Especially when my mom forces me to sing along with the hymns and to participate in the mass. It physically pains my heart, I get a huge lump in my throat just thinking about it. I know that I'm not being true to who I am and that hurts me so much and so deeply but I can't bear to say anything to my parents about it. I know that it'd hurt them so badly and I really hate disappointing them, but this is who I am and I can't change it. I've tried so so hard to believe, I really have. I just can't. And I hate to disappoint my family and make them think that I don't appreciate Catholic school and the moral lessons I've learned there because I DO I really do, but keeping all of this inside of me is tearing me apart.
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