Last night, I had a little bit of a breakdown. I just cried and cried and cried, and I was feeling really empty inside. I didn't know who to turn to, but my friend from school, Alex, told me that I should try to write down and record the good things that happen to me and the bright spots in every day, that way I can try to fight my pessimism in a more hands-on fashion and have something I can look at on the really bad days. So, today was my first try at getting things right, or at least better.
- First, I had a really nice outfit today and a pretty good hair day. I felt pretty good about my appearance for the first time since I got home. I was wearing some new shoes that I bought on Black Friday when my mom and sister made me join them, and overall I felt really put together. That helped me find some confidence when I went job hunting today.
- The weather was really gorgeous. It was pretty chilly, but the sky was a beautiful shade of blue and it made the browns in the landscape stand out and shine more.
- I went on a nice, long drive with some new music. Nothing beats joyriding. I had to run errands, but I honestly love doing that since I can get out of the house more often. One of my errands was to pick up some books at the library for my mom, so while I was there I decided to peruse the music section. I checked out Arcade Fire's Reflektor, Bon Iver's Bon Iver, Arctic Monkeys' Suck it and See, Carly Rae Jepsen's E.MO.TION, and The Black Keys' Turn Blue.
- E.MO.TION was FUCKING AWESOME! I have never been a Carly Rae Jepsen fan, and Call Me Maybe disgusted me so I was very skeptical about picking up the album. However, my friends Simon and Jimmy, both musicians (Simon also is a music critic and a junior editor for the blog Heavy Blog is Heavy) vetted for it, saying it was some of the best pop they've heard in years. It put me in a really good mood while driving all over the place.
- On my joyride, I visited my former favorite place and in the process discovered a new one (maybe). Whenever I was driving and had time to spare and didn't want to be alone, I would go into this abandoned house in this cornfield not too far away from my neighborhood. It was really peaceful, and nobody was ever around. I went back there during my joyride only to discover that it has, for the most part, completely caved in. I was upset at first, but I still could appreciate its beauty. I took a different road to run errands, and in doing this I stumbled upon what may be my new favorite spot.
Since I have until New Year's off, I've been desperately hunting for a job. If I don't secure a job by the end of this week, I'm very doubtful that I'll be able to get one over break. If I'm lucky, I may be able to find work for the summer.
So far, I've tried things out with several different stores and locations to no avail. I really don't wanna be my mother's chore/errand mule again, plus I need money pretty badly to stay afloat. However, the job hunt has been SO FRUSTRATING, especially when places wanted to do in-person interviews while I was at DePaul and were not flexible enough to wait until I was home.
I'm still using InboxDollars and that's at least SOMETHING, but I really need some stabler, more consistent income.
If I'm not able to get a job during break, I'm at least going to apply for some internships at casting agencies in Chicago so I can 1.) build up my resume, 2.) get some experience, and 3.) have something more to do next quarter.
This is just such a pain and I wish it was all over and I could go back to school.
I came home for the holidays on Tuesday. This has been my third day home, and I feel miserable. It had never really occurred to me how unhappy being home made me. It never really hit me how utterly alone I am here, especially now that I'm not talking to Andy 24/7. I only talk to him once a week or so, and it's the strangest thing. I miss him, but I know he's doing okay, but sometimes I wonder if he feels the same way. I think it's just the general loneliness/not knowing how to be single thing that's making me feel so much regret. It's just the weirdest thing to go from CONSTANT CONVERSATION and showering of affection and love for OVER TWO YEARS to absolutely nothing. Fuuuuuck I gotta stop myself or else I'm going to get all Drake on this situation.
While I miss DePaul, the past month and a half that I've been gone has been like a show from the CW or ABC Family. I don't want to go into every single detail because that'd take fucking FOREVER and frankly I want to forget about an awful lot of it, or at least do my best to move on from the whole train wreck.
Here's a brief summary of everything you need to know.
- Pedro and I made up. He's actually become my closest friend at DePaul. He's officially seen me at my worst, and I've seen him at his worse. We've been here for each other, and we've got a really strong bond. We cook together every Monday, and it's a really fun time. We're even planning on getting an apartment together next year and we're gonna try to live together (we're applying to be RA's so that's our Plan B). But long story short, we're cool and then some.
- A close friend of mine who I never really talked about went to the hospital. Twice. And I was directly involved both times. The first time, she checked herself in for mental health reasons, but I had encouraged her to go get the help she needed and helped her pack and stuff. The second time, she got alcohol poisoning while on my watch, so I got an RA and she was taken to the hospital and got her stomach pumped. That was just last weekend!
- I tried things out with two guys. Neither worked out well in terms of dating, but we're all friends in a way. Also, I made out with a friend while drunk, and we haven't really addressed it yet and I almost don't want to. Overall my love life is complete and utter shit, and I'm taking the next 6 weeks as a boy/romance cleanse. I really need it. I haven't been single in a longass time.
- BRIGHT SPOT: I've gotten closer with a smaller group of friends. We're all digital cinema majors, and fairly huge nerds. But we're (for the most part) attractive nerds so we could have it worse! I'm the only girl in the group, so I'm treated like a queen (for the most part). They taught me how to play Dungeons and Dragons, and I'm actually not too bad at it! We go out to movies and eat food a lot, and it's a really pleasant, low-key atmosphere.
- FILM PROJECTS! I starred in two (I'll post the link to the better one) and wrote/directed one of my own. I was really nervous about how mine would turn out since I don't really consider myself to be a director, but I'm actually proud of it. I've included the links in this post, please check them out!
