Life is killing me softly but what else is new?

Oh my god being home is destroying me. I miss my friends from school so much, I haven't felt this alone in a really long time. I'm doing my best to get money and stuff as a distraction from my loneliness but I'm so stressed out about the thought of growing up and being broke. Also I'm beginning to notice signs of aging and I hate my body and I hate myself and I'm feeling a lot of things right now. I'm really trying to get better about this but it's not something that you can just overcome in a week. Overcoming anxiety, depression, and years and years of self-hatred is FUCKING DIFFICULT. 

I've been cleaning and clearing out my room over the past few days. My mom said that everything in this room will eventually move to Chicago with me. I'm pretty skeptical about that, but at this point it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. 

Tinder (yeah, I know it's pathetic) makes me want to vomit. When I used it to mess with people and get material for standup comedy it was fun. Now it just makes my soul sad. I dunno, I just can't really connect with somebody that I've never met before and don't really have any intentions of meeting. And then there are SO MANY GROSS PEOPLE on there oh my god it's awful. I know that it's probably best for me to be single now and probably for a little while, but I still get eaten alive by 1.) the fear of dying alone, 2.) the need to be somebody's everything, 3.) the desire to take care of somebody and show them how much they mean to me, and 4) my aching need for intimacy. I just want to be held and feel loved again. While my friends at school help with my desire to care for others, they can't really meet my need for physical intimacy because platonic cuddling is nearly impossible for some people/frowned upon.

Also, humanity is terrible. So much violence and hatred over the past few days. I really feel for my POC friends and the entire POC community, as well as the families of the police officers in Dallas who lost their lives. I don't know what more I can do beyond express that and just be there for anybody who needs somebody to talk to about it. 

I don't want to have to choose between a schoolyard bully who brings out the worst in Americans and somebody who I don't trust who hasn't consistently reflected my beliefs. There's an amazing Libertarian candidate, Gary Johnson, but I'm worried that by voting for a third-party candidate I'll "throw away" my vote and enable a victory for somebody who isn't fit to run the country.

Everything kinda sucks right now.

Fuck, I really need a hug and a good cry.

Long time, no Post

Well I've been a piece of shit about posting, haven't I? I disappear for three months, write a long and emotional update, promise to be better, then I disappear again! I really need to work on myself there, don't I?

Here's the short version of all the things that have passed since my last post:

• I started seeing a therapist at school. She's great! 10/10 Emily's would recommend getting emotional help even when you don't think you'll need it because you never know when you will!
• I got my ears double-pierced in late March. FINALLY. 
• I did some work as a makeup artist on sets for school, and helped cast a few projects. I'm currently in the process of building a database of actors that I can regularly contact for student films or any project that I've been asked to cast. HOPEFULLY by the time I graduate I'll have sufficient means to work as a freelance casting agent.
• I moved out of school in early June. I miss it terribly and I miss my friends and I miss being away from my parents and the state of Ohio.
• I was in Ireland and England the past 12 days. It was awesome, Brexit problems aside! I would love to live in the U.K. someday.
• I'm trying, once again, to lose weight. Meh.
• I got not only one, but TWO JOBS for this summer, so fuckin' A right here! I'll be working as a receptionist and as a server at a country club. I really need it, I'm broke as fuck.
• I'm Executive Producing (THAT'S RIGHT!!!!) a short film of my friends', and I am incredibly excited about it!!!! You can believe that I'll be sharing the IndieGoGo link  on this blog- please donate if you can, or share it!
• I've been asked to direct a short called Dinner Theater, which will be shot in early September! I'm really excited about the opportunity and the fact that I'm getting recognition from my peers for my directing/comedic style. I'll be sure to post it on here!

So that's BASICALLY my life since my last post.

Catch-up

Jesus Christ the past few weeks have been hell. There was a 30-hour stretch last week that was the worst of it all. Here's the essentials of what you need to know:

• I had a lot of projects and assignments for school all going on at once and they stressed me the fuck out.
• I helped cast two student films which also was incredibly stressful.
• The guy I was seeing gave me hella anxiety. Then he broke things off with me last week and it's been a whole mess of problems that I just don't want to go into anymore because I've already suffered enough because of him and just want to heal.
• I lost my internship because my bosses were incredibly worried about my mental health. They saw me wearing myself thin, barely sleeping, and getting eaten alive by anxiety and depression, and they were scared for me.
• My friends have been doing their best to pull me out of this hole but I still feel like I'm being buried alive. This is the lowest point my life has been in in almost three years.
• I'm seeking professional help because I can't fight this alone anymore.

"Going Slow"

Guess what.

Yep, it's a guy again. Specifically, the guy I mentioned in my last post.

He's great, really, he is! He just has a tendency to get me really nervous. Aaaand that's sort of caused some drama between us. The drama has passed, but here's a recap:

• Being a person who needs constant validation and reassurance that, yes, I am liked and that I'm not being led on (as I was so frequently last quarter), I started to get extremely anxious because I didn't know where I stood with him.
• I finally worked up the courage to just ask where I stood with him, and it was not a fun time! Basically he said stuff that made him want to put his foot in his mouth and had hurt my feelings, and it created a rift.
• Dramatic texts ensue that nearly brought me to tears and definitely didn't make him feel great, so I basically said "shut up, this is scaring me. I'll talk to you tomorrow." I apologized later, and we started to talk about all of our baggage.
• He was scared about moving too fast into things because he has dated some pretty not-good people and doesn't really want to let people in until he feels that he knows them incredibly well. I understand that, and I'm pretty down with that. I'm more than happy to move at his pace, he means a lot to me.

After all of that, we went out the next day to get coffee, and it went really well! It was a really fun time overall, and we're already planning on our next date thing. The plan right now is to basically go out on fun, non-committal dates until we* decide if we want to get serious about this and start an actual relationship. I think we will get there, honestly. We have so much in common already, have become really close for the limited amount of time that we've known each other, and have excellent chemistry. And despite my flaws, I'm still quite a gem. He can already see that, it's just a matter of time until everything comes together.

I'm pretty hopeful about this I've got my chin held high, and I don't think I'm going to be let down this time.

Knock on wood, though. 

*really it's his final decision. I want to enter a relationship with him, but it all comes down to if he wants to let me in, in the end. 

19 and STRESSED OUT

I've been gone for a week or so, it's been a little while since I've posted. Of course, a whole lot happened because this is DePaul my and life is a show from The CW. But it hasn't been all bad!

This weekend was fairly stressful- I had a LOT of work and a herculean amount of cleaning to do. There were many moments where I thought that my head was going to explode. My sleep schedule is beyond fucked. I'm still beyond stressed, and have a whole lot of work ahead of me. I'm honestly struggling so so much this quarter academically and I just want to hole myself up in bed and not do the whole "grown adult"/"functioning member of society" thing.

There's a bright side, though. I met a guy and he's really awesome and sweet and stuff! He lives on my floor, and is actually right around the corner from me. Last quarter I always saw him walking around and we'd always wave and stuff, but never really talked to each other. Then about a week ago we were hanging out with mutual friends while he was somewhat stoned and had a nice conversation and really hit it off. We exchanged numbers, and then started talking here and there. Then Friday night, I hung out with him and we ended up cuddling the entire night, and in the morning, he kissed me. I was honestly spinning, and I still kinda am. We cuddled again the next night, and he asked me out on a proper date! We've been hanging out pretty much every night since. I like him a lot, but sometimes I'm a bit alarmed by how quickly everything has happened. I feel pretty confident about things, though.

Also, happy belated birthday to myself!

Stressed.

Send help.

I think I've bitten off more than I can chew at the moment. 

I have to write three more Detour articles by tonight, work on readings for my Sound Design class and watch video tutorials for it. Ideally, I'd like to write a Precis for my Rhetoric class so I don't have to worry too much about doing that tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have to wake up extra early so I can replace my UPass, then I'm running to the Loop for Sound Design. In the evening I have an informational meeting about becoming an RA, then I need to start that application. 

Wednesday I only have my Rhetoric class in the morning and a short quiz for my Advertising class, but I also need to go to the Loop so I can redo a project for my Editing class that got deleted. I think I can finish this by 4:00. I should also make time to work on the RA application, get some footage for another Editing project, clean my room some more, and wash my sheets and towels. 

Thursday is my only truly "free" day, but I'm going to spend the majority of it cleaning, working on the RA application, and going out to get footage. I'm planning on getting to bed earlier that night since I'll have to wake up early for my internship the next day.

Friday I start working with the casting agency! I'm extremely excited, but a little nervous. I'm also excited that it'll be my birthday as well, and my friends are probably going to surprise me!

Basically, I have a lot on my mind and a ton on my plate and I mainly wrote this so I could try to get it out of my system and relax, but I just feel even more anxious now! Way to go, me!

The Good, The Bad, and The UPass

I've had an interesting past two days. First, I got an internship with a casting agency here in Chicago! And it's a very nice, reputable agency as well so I'm very excited. I start on my birthday! 

The bad news- I auditioned for a show at DePaul and thought it went very well. The director seemed to like me a lot, I made him laugh a ton, and so on. I was ecstatic when I got called back for the show. My friend Alex went with me through all of this as well, and we were both very confident. Yesterday, he got an email in the afternoon telling him he got cast! I'm super happy for him, but I got really nervous because a lot of time was passing and I still hadn't gotten anything. Four hours passed, and by then I just gave up hope. I got an email, eventually, and I was "thanked for my time" and told that I wasn't cast. I was really disappointed, and even though I tried to convince myself that it was inconsequential and doesn't really matter and that I shouldn't be upset about it, I couldn't help but feel hurt.

When I was finally starting to feel better after that blow, I lost my UPass. For those unfamiliar with it, the UPass gives me unlimited rides on Chicago's public transportation. It's my means of getting to class at the Loop, as well as getting around the city in general. What's even worse is that I can't do anything about it until Tuesday because the office for getting it replaced is closed on Monday for MLK Day. Aaaaaaand there's a $50 replacement fee. My parents are going to be really, really, really angry with me.

I'm trying to stay positive, though. We'll see what happens. If I'm lucky, somebody will have found my UPass. It's happened before, it could happen again! However, I don't think it's anywhere close to campus, so I'm not gonna get my hopes up.

The Hateful Eight Brief Review

Last night I saw The Hateful Eight with a large group of my friends and had a pretty solid time! These are my thoughts on the movie.

Visually, it was  gorgeous. I saw it in 70mm, so that contributed even more to the beautiful appearance of the scenery. 

I thought that the second half was much stronger than the first. The first half started off incredibly slowly, and there were several moments where I almost lost interest. However, in the last few minutes Samuel L. Jackson delivers an INSANE monologue, and then the action finally picks up the pace.

The humor throughout the film landed well, and the dialogue was witty and enjoyable. I think the strongest thing about this movie was the characters. Each person was carefully and thoughtfully developed, which enabled the actors to give some very fine performances. I think that this may bring in several awards for Samuel L. Jackson's performance, at the very least.

It wasn't my favorite Tarantino movie, but I still enjoyed it and was entertained. Overall, I give it a B+. If the first half had better pacing, I would have given it an A.

Settling into School

So I'm back at DePaul, and while I'm a little stressed from my classes, I am doing so much better!

It feels amazing to be reunited with my friends, and the freedom is beyond perfect. I'm done with classes for the week (Although I have hella homework to do over my long weekend) so tomorrow I'm going to spend the day as productively as possible. I'm going to go to the gym FOR THE FIRST TIME, clean up my room some (actually a lot), work on my mountain of homework, and so on. Tomorrow night I'm gonna see The Hateful Eight in 70mm so I'm excited! 

Today was really hectic, but overall it's been good and productive. I had my English class first thing in the morning, then had to run across town to this casting agency where I interviewed for an internship. The interview went really well, and I liked the people there and the setting a lot. I really hope I get the internship! 

When I got back to campus after what was basically FOREVER, I realized I had left my student ID in my room and had to go on a wild goose chase to find somebody in my building who could help me get it. Ordinarily, that would cost all kinds of money so I really lucked out here.

I have a date tonight as well, but to be honest I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Like the guy is really nice and funny and all that stuff, but I don't really feel emotionally ready for dating again. Last quarter was hellish in that manner. I just want to focus on myself, and frankly I'm WAY too busy right now what with writing, classes, possibly an internship, and trying to get my own film shit together to add a guy into the equation. Plus, I don't wanna miss time with my friends who ACTUALLY give a shit about me and are always going to be here for me. I'm not gonna blow this guy off or skip the date or anything, I think I'm just gonna tell him that I've got way too much going on to deal with any dating stuff right now and save him some of the trouble.

I'm in a good place, and even though it's a little hectic, it's okay by me.