Life is killing me softly but what else is new?

Oh my god being home is destroying me. I miss my friends from school so much, I haven't felt this alone in a really long time. I'm doing my best to get money and stuff as a distraction from my loneliness but I'm so stressed out about the thought of growing up and being broke. Also I'm beginning to notice signs of aging and I hate my body and I hate myself and I'm feeling a lot of things right now. I'm really trying to get better about this but it's not something that you can just overcome in a week. Overcoming anxiety, depression, and years and years of self-hatred is FUCKING DIFFICULT. 

I've been cleaning and clearing out my room over the past few days. My mom said that everything in this room will eventually move to Chicago with me. I'm pretty skeptical about that, but at this point it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. 

Tinder (yeah, I know it's pathetic) makes me want to vomit. When I used it to mess with people and get material for standup comedy it was fun. Now it just makes my soul sad. I dunno, I just can't really connect with somebody that I've never met before and don't really have any intentions of meeting. And then there are SO MANY GROSS PEOPLE on there oh my god it's awful. I know that it's probably best for me to be single now and probably for a little while, but I still get eaten alive by 1.) the fear of dying alone, 2.) the need to be somebody's everything, 3.) the desire to take care of somebody and show them how much they mean to me, and 4) my aching need for intimacy. I just want to be held and feel loved again. While my friends at school help with my desire to care for others, they can't really meet my need for physical intimacy because platonic cuddling is nearly impossible for some people/frowned upon.

Also, humanity is terrible. So much violence and hatred over the past few days. I really feel for my POC friends and the entire POC community, as well as the families of the police officers in Dallas who lost their lives. I don't know what more I can do beyond express that and just be there for anybody who needs somebody to talk to about it. 

I don't want to have to choose between a schoolyard bully who brings out the worst in Americans and somebody who I don't trust who hasn't consistently reflected my beliefs. There's an amazing Libertarian candidate, Gary Johnson, but I'm worried that by voting for a third-party candidate I'll "throw away" my vote and enable a victory for somebody who isn't fit to run the country.

Everything kinda sucks right now.

Fuck, I really need a hug and a good cry.

Long time, no Post

Well I've been a piece of shit about posting, haven't I? I disappear for three months, write a long and emotional update, promise to be better, then I disappear again! I really need to work on myself there, don't I?

Here's the short version of all the things that have passed since my last post:

• I started seeing a therapist at school. She's great! 10/10 Emily's would recommend getting emotional help even when you don't think you'll need it because you never know when you will!
• I got my ears double-pierced in late March. FINALLY. 
• I did some work as a makeup artist on sets for school, and helped cast a few projects. I'm currently in the process of building a database of actors that I can regularly contact for student films or any project that I've been asked to cast. HOPEFULLY by the time I graduate I'll have sufficient means to work as a freelance casting agent.
• I moved out of school in early June. I miss it terribly and I miss my friends and I miss being away from my parents and the state of Ohio.
• I was in Ireland and England the past 12 days. It was awesome, Brexit problems aside! I would love to live in the U.K. someday.
• I'm trying, once again, to lose weight. Meh.
• I got not only one, but TWO JOBS for this summer, so fuckin' A right here! I'll be working as a receptionist and as a server at a country club. I really need it, I'm broke as fuck.
• I'm Executive Producing (THAT'S RIGHT!!!!) a short film of my friends', and I am incredibly excited about it!!!! You can believe that I'll be sharing the IndieGoGo link  on this blog- please donate if you can, or share it!
• I've been asked to direct a short called Dinner Theater, which will be shot in early September! I'm really excited about the opportunity and the fact that I'm getting recognition from my peers for my directing/comedic style. I'll be sure to post it on here!

So that's BASICALLY my life since my last post.