The Great Cat Rescue

Yesterday while making my way home from another dismal day of attempting to find a job, I nearly hit a cat with my car. I thought that I had hit it, so I got out of the car to check. It came running out from underneath it meowing its cute little head off and started rubbing itself up against my legs. It was so freaking adorable, I couldn't just leave it in a field! Plus it wasn't in good shape; it was extremely dirty and its fur was matted in a lot of places, it clearly hadn't eaten in a long long time, and it looked like it had recently been in a fight with another critter somewhere. So I scooped it up in a blanket then drove home so I could put it in a cat carrier. I decided that I would take it to the county SPCA, but when I got there they were closed. There were people inside, but they told me to go away and come back tomorrow. So, I went to another shelter in the area that specializes in cats. They wouldn't take it either because they're a private shelter and all of their space was full. 

I was worried that I was going to have to let the poor thing out somewhere and I didn't want to do that since the two of us had gone through all of that together and the cat really liked me a lot. My mom wasn't about to let me bring it home, even if it only stayed in our garage for the night. I called my grandma, and she said she'd let it stay in her garage for the night! Today my grandma and I are going to take the cat to the SPCA again so it can get cleaned up and have a proper place to stay.

I feel good about what I did, and while I wish I could keep the cat myself I know it'll go to a good home sometime very soon.

Keeping Positive Day 2

Today was a lot worse than yesterday, but it isn't completely irredeemable. While the weather was gloomy and shit, I had a ton of chores, got yelled at and berated a lot, had hardly any luck with the job search, and I'm being forced into going to a football game on Thursday, there was at least one decent thing about today.

First, I was added into this group of aspiring filmmakers at DePaul in my class who are trying to get together to help make each others projects a reality. That'll be nice, and throwing myself into work and having things that I can put on my reel/portfolio/resume/iMDB page would be amazing for improving my chances at a career and also be a great way of avoiding drama in the future. I talked to a few of the people about an idea for a web series I have and got a lot of positive feedback so that made me feel better! Plus it's nice to have something that I can look forward to while I'm home. 

Frankly, that was the only really positive part of the day, but on the bright side, I didn't cry at all even when I really really wanted to and I think that's an improvement right there.

Keeping Positive Trial Run

Last night, I had a little bit of a breakdown. I just cried and cried and cried, and I was feeling really empty inside. I didn't know who to turn to, but my friend from school, Alex, told me that I should try to write down and record the good things that happen to me and the bright spots in every day, that way I can try to fight my pessimism in a more hands-on fashion and have something I can look at on the really bad days. So, today was my first try at getting things right, or at least better.

• First, I had a really nice outfit today and a pretty good hair day. I felt pretty good about my appearance for the first time since I got home. I was wearing some new shoes that I bought on Black Friday when my mom and sister made me join them, and overall I felt really put together. That helped me find some confidence when I went job hunting today.
• The weather was really gorgeous. It was pretty chilly, but the sky was a beautiful shade of blue and it made the browns in the landscape stand out and shine more.
• I went on a nice, long drive with some new music. Nothing beats joyriding. I had to run errands, but I honestly love doing that since I can get out of the house more often. One of my errands was to pick up some books at the library for my mom, so while I was there I decided to peruse the music section. I checked out Arcade Fire's Reflektor, Bon Iver's Bon Iver, Arctic Monkeys' Suck it and See, Carly Rae Jepsen's E.MO.TION, and The Black Keys' Turn Blue. 
• E.MO.TION was FUCKING AWESOME! I have never been a Carly Rae Jepsen fan, and Call Me Maybe disgusted me so I was very skeptical about picking up the album. However, my friends Simon and Jimmy, both musicians (Simon also is a music critic and a junior editor for the blog Heavy Blog is Heavy) vetted for it, saying it was some of the best pop they've heard in years. It put me in a really good mood while driving all over the place.
• On my joyride, I visited my former favorite place and in the process discovered a new one (maybe). Whenever I was driving and had time to spare and didn't want to be alone, I would go into this abandoned house in this cornfield not too far away from my neighborhood. It was really peaceful, and nobody was ever around. I went back there during my joyride only to discover that it has, for the most part, completely caved in. I was upset at first, but I still could appreciate its beauty. I took a different road to run errands, and in doing this I stumbled upon what may be my new favorite spot. 

Job Prowl (Kill me Now)

Since I have until New Year's off, I've been desperately hunting for a job. If I don't secure a job by the end of this week, I'm very doubtful that I'll be able to get one over break. If I'm lucky, I may be able to find work for the summer.

So far, I've tried things out with several different stores and locations to no avail. I really don't wanna be my mother's chore/errand mule again, plus I need money pretty badly to stay afloat. However, the job hunt has been SO FRUSTRATING, especially when places wanted to do in-person interviews while I was at DePaul and were not flexible enough to wait until I was home.

I'm still using InboxDollars and that's at least SOMETHING, but I really need some stabler, more consistent income.

If I'm not able to get a job during break, I'm at least going to apply for some internships at casting agencies in Chicago so I can 1.) build up my resume, 2.) get some experience, and 3.) have something more to do next quarter.

This is just such a pain and I wish it was all over and I could go back to school.

I'm back, and not necessarily the same person

I came home for the holidays on Tuesday. This has been my third day home, and I feel miserable. It had never really occurred to me how unhappy being home made me. It never really hit me how utterly alone I am here, especially now that I'm not talking to Andy 24/7. I only talk to him once a week or so, and it's the strangest thing. I miss him, but I know he's doing okay, but sometimes I wonder if he feels the same way. I think it's just the general loneliness/not knowing how to be single thing that's making me feel so much regret. It's just the weirdest thing to go from CONSTANT CONVERSATION and showering of affection and love for OVER TWO YEARS to absolutely nothing. Fuuuuuck I gotta stop myself or else I'm going to get all Drake on this situation.

While I miss DePaul, the past month and a half that I've been gone has been like a show from the CW or ABC Family. I don't want to go into every single detail because that'd take fucking FOREVER and frankly I want to forget about an awful lot of it, or at least do my best to move on from the whole train wreck.
Here's a brief summary of everything you need to know.

1. Pedro and I made up. He's actually become my closest friend at DePaul. He's officially seen me at my worst, and I've seen him at his worse. We've been here for each other, and we've got a really strong bond. We cook together every Monday, and it's a really fun time. We're even planning on getting an apartment together next year and we're gonna try to live together (we're applying to be RA's so that's our Plan B). But long story short, we're cool and then some.
2. A close friend of mine who I never really talked about went to the hospital. Twice. And I was directly involved both times. The first time, she checked herself in for mental health reasons, but I had encouraged her to go get the help she needed and helped her pack and stuff. The second time, she got alcohol poisoning while on my watch, so I got an RA and she was taken to the hospital and got her stomach pumped. That was just last weekend!
3. I tried things out with two guys. Neither worked out well in terms of dating, but we're all friends in a way. Also, I made out with a friend while drunk, and we haven't really addressed it yet and I almost don't want to. Overall my love life is complete and utter shit, and I'm taking the next 6 weeks as a boy/romance cleanse. I really need it. I haven't been single in a longass time.
4. BRIGHT SPOT: I've gotten closer with a smaller group of friends. We're all digital cinema majors, and fairly huge nerds. But we're (for the most part) attractive nerds so we could have it worse! I'm the only girl in the group, so I'm treated like a queen (for the most part). They taught me how to play Dungeons and Dragons, and I'm actually not too bad at it! We go out to movies and eat food a lot, and it's a really pleasant, low-key atmosphere. 
5. FILM PROJECTS! I starred in two (I'll post the link to the better one) and wrote/directed one of my own. I was really nervous about how mine would turn out since I don't really consider myself to be a director, but I'm actually proud of it. I've included the links in this post, please check them out!

My friend JC's fantastic film

MY FIRST SHORT

I'm a mess.

Yesterday I was the polar opposite of a functioning member of society. I only got out of bed three times, each time only because I had to. All the food I ate had been brought to me by other people. I didn't even put on pants until about an hour ago. I'm a real-life train wreck. 

I spent a sizable portion of my day yesterday writing the longest, guilt-trippiest, saddest, confessional letter to Pedro. It was about three and a half pages long. Compared to my letter to Jack, it wasn't nearly as embarrassing, but it was still pretty damn desperate. My friend Heather slipped it under his door so I wouldn't have to put on pants/walk (that's a true friend right there). He probably got it and read it, but frankly I don't know or care if he responds to it or not. 

I've been trying to stay sane, but it's not working too well at all. I feel better than I did before, but I just feel numb now. Like I'm not horrifically and dangerously upset, but I'm not close to being happy either.

The only reason that I've showered today (and by the transitive property, put on pants) was because my friend asked me to come listen to music and work on homework with him. I'm glad he did, that way I had to drag myself out of my room. Now, I just wish I had the motivation to attempt to be happy and enjoy myself.

Love is dead :)

Things went tits up with Pedro, to say the least.

First, despite my endless reminders about the movie, he still neglected to inform me that he had play rehearsal and left me hanging after I MADE FUCKING HOMEMADE MAC AND CHEESE FOR HIM. I was understandably furious. I didn't end up going to the movie because 1.) I couldn't find anybody to go with me and 2.) I couldn't find anybody who would take the tickets off my hands. I basically fumed for two hours, and then he texts me saying "we need to talk and clear the air."

I was nervous. I threw up twice. I couldn't stop shaking and I could barely breathe. I told the friends I was with about everything, and they helped prevent me from completely flying off the handle. When he finally got back and was ready to talk, it was not very good.

Basically, he said that while I'm an "amazing person and that he owes me so so much"  he "doesn't think anything should happen between us" because he doesn't want to tear apart our friend group. I knew this was gonna happen, I just expected it to happen last week. I had a lot that I wanted to say to him in regards to his leading me on and everything, but I straight-up had a nervous breakdown and lost my ability to speak. I couldn't stop shaking, and I felt like the walls were closing in around me, and I needed to get out of there. I got up, and said "It's your fucking loss. Don't talk to me for a few days. I can't be around you." and ran the fuck out. 

I've essentially broken down completely since then. I have only left my bed once today, about 15 minutes ago, to put in my contact lenses. I basically spent the day writing a long, emotional letter to Pedro dragging him for leading me on and not being honest with me about his feelings from the get go. I fully intend on having it delivered, I just don't want to be the one to do it.

I'm so fucking done with guys right now, but I'm a hopeless romantic and can't help but fall for people. It's one of my biggest weaknesses.

Fuck me.

Emotional Tornado

So the last y'all have heard from me was that I broke up with Andy. Well, a WHOLE lot has been going on in my love life here that brought that about. I have a pretty big reason for breaking up with Andy...

And his name is Pedro.

He's handsome, incredibly smart, driven, funny, and overall somebody that I just want to spend all the time that I can with and to be as close with as possible.

Prior to the breakup, things were sort of fizzling with Andy. Distance just made everything so difficult, but the second I started meeting other boys and developing feelings for Pedro, I knew I had to break it off. 

I first encountered Pedro in line during check in at move-in day. He was talking to another girl in line about how he wanted to do something in the music business, and I thought he was the biggest douche. I still thought he was handsome, but at the time I was too busy to put any more thought into it. I met him in person one evening where I went out to dinner with my friends Glenn and Rawa from my immersion week class. Glenn had many friends from this group message going, and Pedro was one of those friends. I recognized him, but after getting to know him a bit better that night, I found out that he was actually a very nice, hilarious guy. After a few days, I was added to this Facebook group message, and the rest is quite the ride.

So here's what happened:

• Two Tuesdays Ago: Pedro and I had met a few times and are in the same group of friends. Pedro and I had lunch together that day, and that was the first time I had ever spent one-on-one with him. Later that night, our group went to Chipotle for dinner and came back to campus to attend a safe-sex talk in my residence hall. Pedro and I decided not to go, and he invited me to hang out and do homework in his room. His roommate (who is the BEST, by the way) got a call and had to suddenly leave for the suburbs because his aunt was hospitalized. So it was just Pedro and I, alone. Things started off with just doing homework, but then we got to talking about everything and anything. He played me music on his record player, read me passages of his favorite book (Jack Kerouac's On the Road) and feminist poetry and a poem that he strongly relates to about being the only non-English-Speaker in school (he moved to Connecticut from Colombia when he was 3, and later moved to Tampa, Florida). We watched Vines for about an hour, rapped to each other, he gave me blankets and had me try on his slippers, told corny jokes, and we just had an amazing time. I really felt like I connected with him on a deep emotional level. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I still wish that I could have another night like that with him. He loaned me one of his prized possessions- a copy of Khalil Gibran's The Prophet- to read. I blazed through the book and gave it to him on Thursday.
• Two Thursdays Ago: I gave Pedro his book back, and then the two of us went to our friend Eric's room to watch a movie while everybody else was incredibly high. That night, he was at callbacks for one of the school's theater group's fall play, and he was anxiously waiting for the cast list to be emailed to him. When the list came out (he got the lead), he grabbed my hands and legs and just started to dance with me. He then said that he needed to get higher, so I accompanied him while he rolled a joint and went out with him off campus so he could smoke it. He had given me an incredibly warm leather jacket, and told me I looked amazing in it, and throughout the night kept calling me a remarkable woman and I just wished that it could've lasted even longer.
• Last Saturday: I spent 10 hours alone with Pedro in his room. Literally 10 hours. He had come up to my room to get snacks, and then when I went to pull up Netflix (he's never seen Clueless, like COME ON!!!!) and he said we could go back to his room to watch it since he had a TV and a futon. So, we watched Clueless, the first episode of Narcos, several episodes of Archer, and had begun to watch Legally Blonde the Musical when I'd fallen asleep. We had sort-of cuddled- we were sitting very close to each other, and my arm was nestled underneath him. And when I'd laid down, he was using my hip and thigh as an armrest while I'd propped my feet on him. I woke up at a point, and we both decided to nap. He slept in his bed and I slept on his futon. I woke up around 7, and woke Pedro up because we'd probably need to eat something. However, neither of us wanted to move so we ordered sushi online and waited to have it delivered. We ate sushi together on his floor, and shortly after his roommate came back and the three of us hung out a bit before both of them got ready to leave. Pedro was visiting an old friend at Loyola, and his roommate was going out with another guy. Then was when I realized that I was really pushing things with Pedro and needed to evaluate my feelings for him and what was going on with Andy and I. I hardly slept that night, because I had made up my mind of what needed to be done.
• Last Sunday: I broke up with Andy. I started off trying to explain how I felt over messages, but it just wasn't working and I needed to call him and talk to him. I felt horrible for doing it, but he was incredibly mature and calm about everything. He said that he'd always be here for me and is still my best friend, and no matter what would care for me. If something happens later in life that allows for us to be together, then we're probably going to give it a shot. However, right now there's just so much going on that it's practically impossible for us to continue as normal when I'm in a different time zone, several hundred miles away. It sucked. I was incredibly upset, and had several anxiety attacks that day and the next because frankly, I was worried about how he was handling things. I reached out to his roommate to see how he was doing, and when his roommate told me that he was doing fine, I finally felt free. On Sunday though, I spent a few hours with Pedro while he comforted me. He made me salted caramel hot chocolate, we listened to sad music, watched some Vines, and he held me while I cried. He decided that he would take me out for a nice dinner that night to cheer me up, so we both got fancied up and went out to this restaurant in the West Loop area. It was really a great time- I got a balloon dinosaur, we sang along with a performer on the El, and it was basically an adventure for the two of us. I didn't want it to end, not for a second.
• Last Tuesday: I acted VERY impulsively. Remember when I wrote an embarrassingly long letter to Jack that basically ruined whatever friendship we had? Well I did it again. On a whim while I did my laundry that day, I wrote a note to Pedro. Basically, it said "I have feelings for you. I think you have feelings for me, but I don't know so please elaborate." I slipped it under his door and HOLY SHIT I have never been so nervous in my life. Literally I couldn't eat anything, I was shaking constantly and I couldn't focus on anything. I was a complete and utter mess. I holed myself up in my room and just tried to not die from anxiety.
• Last Wednesday: This was the most nervewracking day of my life. Pedro messaged me asking to talk later in the afternoon/before dinner, and I agreed.Again, I couldn't eat a thing.
  • After classes ended, he came to my room and we talked. While he appreciated how forward and honest I was, he didn't feel that it was quite the right time to start anything since I had just gotten out of a very long, very significant relationship. He told me that he's attracted to me and thinks I'm a cool person, but he doesn't want to be a rebound. In addition, he said that we both may have very different expectations for college relationships (as in he wants to sleep around and I'm not really that type of girl), so it may not be a great idea to jump right in yet. So, we agreed to wait a week or so and see where we stand then and talk about it again.
  • Last Friday: Pedro and I met up with a guy from our school's office of student involvement to discuss what goes into starting a club and went to work with the application for an animal rights club. We had breakfast together, and it was pretty pleasant. He told me about his grandmother in Colombia and how her health was deteriorating and he didn't expect her to make it through the weekend. We sort of opened up about our families a bit, and again I really felt that connection. 
  • Saturday: Pedro and my friend Jimmy planned to try DOC together, and asked my other friend Marie and I to "trip sit" them. Basically, we were there to make sure they didn't do anything stupid or hurt themselves somehow because they trust both of us very much. DOC stays in one's system anywhere between 8-16 hours, so it was going to be an all day affair. It was a really great time! We drove to the beach, had ice cream, and basically joyrode around the city all day singing/rapping along to the music in Marie's car. At one point, Pedro wrote a poem about me and it made me really happy. Overall, it was a pretty wonderful day that I wish I could relive again and again.
  • Sunday: Pedro and I worked together on finishing our application and constitution for our animal rights club. As we got closer to finishing, he got a call from his mom telling him that his grandma died. The second we finished working, he holed himself up in his room and refused to come out or let anyone in. I offered to bring him some comfort food, but he refused. So, my friend Heather and I had the idea to buy him a box of Insomnia Cookies and some milk and to leave it on his door with a note. We left the cookies, and that did cheer him up a bit. About two hours later though, I got some very concerning messages from him, freaking out about his grandma. At that point, I told him that I was coming down to his room and that he didn't have any say in the matter. Heather and I went down and then I signed her out of the building so she could go see the super blood moon and I went back to him. I held him while he cried, stroked his hair and face and stuff, whatever I could do to try to make him feel better. He calmed down soon enough, and started telling me about his grandma. He mentioned how excited she was that he was going to a Catholic college, and wondered if the church was still open so he could light a candle for her. They actually have an 8:30pm Mass on Sundays, and it was about 8:20 at the time so we decided to dash to Mass. He was a bit of a wreck during Mass and kept crying from time to time so I held his hand while he cried. After Mass, we lit a candle and then went back to his room because my roommate was having a boy over. We watched some Doctor Who and Moonrise Kingdom with his roommate, and I fell asleep on their futon.
  • Monday: They woke me up around 8:30, and I went back to my room. I sort of felt like Pedro was annoyed with me, so I tried to avoid him as much as I could throughout the day, but that didn't really work because I spent 4 hours working on homework with him and my friends Simon, CJ, and Glenn. Later that night, he was with this girl who lives a floor above me that he's hooked up with several times. I felt really hurt (I still do) because he knows how I feel about him and he still just cast me aside like nothing. Plus, after everything that I've done for him and with the emotional connection we have it just felt like I was stabbed in the back. 

  I'm still really sad about everything that happened Monday, so I've been trying to not spend time with him in person. I don't really know what I hope to gain from it, like maybe he'll miss me a bit? Maybe it won't hurt as much when I spend time with him and then he goes off to fuck some other girl? I don't know. All I know is that tomorrow I'm seeing a movie with him, so who knows what's gonna happen. Like I really want something to happen, but as long as he keeps trying to live up to this "college experience" that he envisioned for himself involving a lot of casual sex I don't think anything will.
  
  
  Most of my friends know what's going on either from me telling them or have their suspicions about it all. It's pretty obvious how I feel, I'm terrible at hiding this shit. Some of them have volunteered to actually say something to him along the lines of "hey, you do realize that you're really hurting Emily with your behavior and you should stop messing with her feelings and stuff? Cuz like, you are..." and it means a lot to me that they'd stand up for me like this. I don't know when they're going to do this/if they're going to go through with it. I don't know what it may do to our friend group, and it worries me a lot. I'm worried that it could cause some issues or a rift in our group, and I really don't want that to happen. At the same time, I can't handle this pain on a regular basis.
  
  
  Tomorrow, I'm going to see a movie with Pedro. I really want it to go well and I want something to happen between us, but at the same time I feel like he's still going to be dragging his feet and I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I'm probably going to be floating on air because of some stupid little gentlemanly thing he does, and that lowkey makes me sick. The best way I can describe what's going on inside of me is that I want to go out on dates and form a relationship with him, but at the same time I hate him for how he's making me feel.

Andy and I broke up

fuck.

What a day!

Guess who rolled her ankle again!

This girl!

On the bright side, it's super minor and nowhere near as bad as the injury I sustained back in January. However, it still is throwing a wrench in my plans to go out for the first time tonight!

The day, apart from that incident, was pretty great! In my screenwriting class, we went over ideas for screenplays and watched part of The Apartment and in my foundations of production class we got to run around the city and shoot some footage of random things. My group managed to get footage of a fender bender between taxis and got yelled at for filming on federal property! It was pretty fun. I then went out for lunch with my friend Rawa who is in my immersion week class, and that was nice (as always).

The train ride back was uneventful, but my feet were killing me because I'd worn heels (big mistake). They were stilettos or super high, but fit just badly enough to be uncomfortable. While dreaming of removing said shoes the moment I got back to my dorm, I tripped over uneven concrete on the sidewalk and fell. I skinned one of my knees and rolled my ankle (minorly, but just enough to be difficult) and nearly broke the bottle of coffee I was holding. Things could've gone from bad to worse if the coffee bottle broke- I could've gotten glass shards in my hands and knees and been cut all over, the coffee would be gone, etc.! Still, it's bleh.

I know I'll be better soon, it just sucks.

Gamergate Dude

One of my classes, Ethics in Computer Gaming and Cinema, is pretty nerdy and it admits to it. However, there is one boy in my class who I literally fantasize about strangling- Timmy, the neckbeardless neckbeard!

Every single fucking class, this fucker makes comments relating to the Gamergate scandal that have ABSOLUTELY NO RELATION to anything we're talking about. Ever. I can't even count the times Timmy has made a dumbass comment about Anita Sarkeesian. 

You know what we were talking about today? Ayn Rand and Ethical Egoism. THAT SURE THE FUCK ISN'T ANITA SARKEESIAN.

We aren't even going to be talking about the whole clusterfuck that is Gamergate for another three to four weeks.

LIKE COME ON BOY.

If there is a god out there, he/she/it is testing me.

"So College"

It's my third (third?!) week of school at DePaul, and I'm really enjoying myself! I know I haven't been blogging much, but that's mostly due to the fact that I've been spending a lot of time with my friends. Aaaaand doing homework... I've had an insane amount of homework, and thanks to the close proximity of friends I hardly get any work done. 

I really enjoy my friend group a lot. I haven't really "gone out" per say, but I've had a lot of fun nights in with them. Last Thursday, we watched Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams and made fun of it profusely, made pizza rolls and ramen and snacks, and had a great time overall! 

Classes so far have been alright, just WAY more work than I've expected. I really enjoy my screenwriting and "foundations of production" classes, and I know that I'm going to enjoy film school.

I have a meeting for the comedy magazine tonight at 10:30, so I'm going to have to haul some ass with homework before I head over, so I'll have to sign off for now! I'm going to try to be better about posting, just to update on how I'm doing and whatnot, a bit more often than I have been.

Hope you all are doing well, and that you have a great night!

I'm officially "so college"!!!!!!

It's finally happened!

I've moved in to DePaul yesterday afternoon, and today I started my immersion week experience! I've been having a really fantastic time so far, and I've made some new friends. I am starting to feel a little bit sick, though. Like I feel like I have a sinus infection right now, and I sort of feel a little bit queasy. The other day I threw up, and that wasn't fun at all.

I'm really happy so far! This has been a positive experience, and I've met some enjoyable people. Like last night I played bingo with friends at a Welcome Week event, I went to the beach today with my immersion week class, I really like my roommate and my suitemates, and overall, I've been having a blast! I'm excited for tomorrow and the rest of the week as well.

I'm glad that I'm not starting things off on the wrong foot, too. I was worried that I'd be miserable or that I'd shut myself out to people, but it's been really wonderful so far!

Amazon Student DEAL

I just saved a boatload of money by renting my textbook from Amazon! If you're a college student like me, be sure to sign up for Amazon Student! You get a free trial of Amazon Prime, AND free 2-day shipping for 6 months! I know it'll be pretty helpful down the line.

SOS I'M BORED

EVEN THOUGH I LEAVE IN A WEEK I CAN'T STOP PACKING!!!!!

That should serve as an excellent indicator of how bored I am. Like I am actually happy to have a solid chore list every day because without one, I'd be screwed!

Yesterday I was on a roll with packing up all my clothes and shoes, and maybe today I'm going to pack up my jewelry and hair accessories. There's SO MUCH STUFF I honestly don't know how we're going to get it all in one trip. On the bright side, I don't have to worry about packing a microwave and mini fridge since my roommate is bringing that. Nonetheless, I have a giant list of things that I need to bring and things that I need to buy when I arrive. 

I could be using my time to do other productive things like work out and paint and stuff, but so far I've really been lacking the motivation to do those things.

Goodbyes suck and so do I

This has been such a depressing past couple of days. All of my friends (and I do mean all of my friends) have moved away for college. I suck at saying goodbye in general, it's something I tend to avoid, but GOD it has been so hard to sit by and watch while everything that I know is being turned upside down. But for crying out loud, that's all I've been doing.

The last time I saw my best friend Dylan, the week before he moved to Texas for school, we were planning to go to a graduation party the next day. I opted not to go to it, and even though I had a FULL WEEK to text him and be like "sorry about my being a lazy, somewhat antisocial asshole" and/or make some final plans to get dinner or hang out or something, I haven't done jack shit and I feel like the worst friend in the world. I haven't even checked in with him yet to see how he's doing! He's been at school for a week, so tomorrow I'm going to make a very conscientious effort to make up for my shittiness. 

Last night was my final date with Andy as he's moving in to Cleveland State tomorrow and needed to spend today packing. Last year before he moved out, I was such a wreck. For the last hour of our evening together, I just curled up in a ball and cried in his arms. When I had to drive myself home, I had to pull myself over because I was getting into hysterics, screaming and crying and hyperventilating like I'd just been brutally stabbed or had seen all of the people close to me murdered. It was terrible. I told myself that this year, I was going to do better and be stronger because I know that it really pains Andy to see me in such a state and causes him to worry about my safety. In a way, I succeeded. I started crying only thirty minutes to the end of our date, and didn't completely launch into hysterics until he had driven me halfway home.

I felt really bad that he had to see me like that; it's so terrifying. I lose all sense of self and can't control anything. I hyperventilate, whimper, wail, sob, and my whole body shakes violently when I get hysterical. Eventually, my Id comes out and I start screaming words and sentences. He told me after the fact that I kept saying "NO" and "I DON'T WANNA GO" and "I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO" and "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME". He deserves a prize for keeping on a brave face all through that. The entire time, he never let go of my hand. Even when I had turned away and curled into a ball in the passenger seat because I didn't want him to see my face, he still caressed my back and shoulders, and when we reached my house he gave me the biggest hug in the world. He should get like a medal of honor for not losing it himself, honestly.

I wanted to die. God, even thinking about it is making me lose control again! I cried all night long last night, and didn't fall asleep until after 4AM, when I made the decision to listen to Beck's Sea Change album (the most melancholy one/Andy's favorite Beck album) and it lulled me to sleep. When I woke up, I was still extremely sad and cried a little more. But then, with support and encouragement from Andy via text and from distracting myself, I had started to feel a bit less awful and a tad more normal. 

.....But now I've gone and fucked that all up by rehashing my feelings yet again. Ugggggggghhhhhhhhh Thanksgiving can't come soon enough!!!!! 

Honestly the whole "going away"/getting left behind thing has really sapped me of my motivation. I haven't done any surveys on any of my sites or made any efforts to make money, and I haven't even had the energy to write posts here! I know I made a lot of "expect (insert thingy here)" posts or statements and now I just don't know if I have it in me to follow up on those things. I just haven't had any will to do anything, and it's awful. 

The worst thing is, is that I know things will look up... I'm just not ready to move on yet and to lose everybody and oh my goodness there's nothing in the world I'd love more than to not have to say goodbye to Andy or Dylan or Abby or Tony or MY OWN SISTER GOD SHE GOES TO SCHOOL BEFORE I DO AND CAN'T COME TO HELP MOVE ME IN OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO MISS HER SO FREAKING MUCH ever again. I almost don't want to go to college- like I want to skip ahead and fast forward to the part in my life where things don't have to suck. Is that too much to ask?

Yep.

NEW POST FROM MY NEW MACBOOK!

Guess who officially has her very own computer now and doesn't have to go for several weeks without one because her sister needs to work on her common app for college?! THIS GIRL!

Today, my mom and I went to Best Buy to pick up a MacBook Pro. We were planning to get the older model with the disk drive and no retina display, but the salesguys talked us into getting the new model! It was really easy to set up, and so far I'm very pleased with its use. I mean it hasn't even been 15 minutes yet since I turned this bad boy on, but whatever! I'm going to take extremely good care of this computer, I don't want anything bad to happen to it!

Since I last posted, not much has happened with me save for dog sitting and buying things for school. All of my friends are moving within the next week or have moved already, so I'm pretty bored/sad because I miss everybody. It's about to be super weird for me, I can guarantee that!

Busy Week and BIG NEWS

Sorry for my long absence! I haven't had access to a computer as I've been dog-sitting constantly, so this is the first time I've blogged in ages. I've been pretty busy since I last posted- My friends had a final get-together before we head off to college last week, I've been crazy busy watching this sweet little dog named Oscar, I had a couple of dates with Andy (we saw The Stanford Prison Experiment and it was fantastic!!!! We also went to the 10th Annual Hamburger Festival which was a bit overrated), and I've been doing chores in all of my spare time.

Now, here's my big news- I'm going to be an extra in a movie! 

I know being an extra isn't really a big deal, but it'll be great to get some on-set experience and to see how movie-making works firsthand before heading off to film school. My first session is tonight at a rollerskating rink, and then on Thursday night I'm going to be in a "house party" scene and I'm soooo excited! Wish me luck!

I'M GOING GREEN(er)

Last night, I watched the documentaries Surviving Progress and The Human Experiment and I've determined that I need to do more to make sure that I'm protecting myself and the planet. There are so many harmful, wasteful things that I do (and many other people do) every single day that I can change for the better!

To start, I'm going to be more conscious about my use of electricity and the lengths of my showers. I already waste a TON of electricity by running my fan when I'm not in my room and keeping charger plugs plugged in when I'm not using them. And my showers are really ridiculously long! I get in trouble from time to time for them, and since I'll be sharing a bathroom with several other people for the next several years, I need to learn how to cut down my time anyways! It'll be good to get in that habit before I start paying my own water bills, too.

Next, I'll be limiting my use of bottled water. We recently got a Brita pitcher, and the water from it is quite good! I have one ready for my dorm, as well. California is in an extreme drought, and the bottled water industry is really taking a toll on the state. Even though I'm just one person, every little bit helps! I know it'll be difficult to COMPLETELY eliminate bottled water from my life, but even just choosing not to drink it at home and bringing around my own bottles is a pretty good start.

I'm not too sure what I want to do yet with household chemicals, since I don't have any purchasing power over them in my own home. I can, however, use other means of cleaning things like using vinegar and warm water when cleaning things! I also have control of my makeup, perfumes, and hygiene products and can take a closer look into what I should eliminate or substitute in my beauty and hygiene routines.

I'm really excited about this; I want to reduce my own personal waste and create a better environment for myself and for others.

If you haven't seen the either of the documentaries yet, check them out! They're both very interesting, and you can find them on Netflix. Who knows, maybe they'll inspire you to go a little greener too!

Garage Sale from HELL: Day 3

It is finished. 

And instead of going out with a bang as we hoped (even a snap, crackle, pop, or POW would've been greatly appreciated), it went out with a slow, whiny fizzle.

We did not sell a single thing.

That's right! After all the work we put into setting up, advertising, and running the weak sale, we hardly made off with anything. I didn't even hit $100, but even then I was luckier than some of my other relatives. My Grandma didn't even make it to $20!

Needless to say, it was a very flawed, rough attempt at a garage sale, and you can expect a post to tell you all the things NOT to do to make sure you have a successful (or at least decent) garage sale in the near future.

The Garage Sale from HELL: Day 2

If I thought yesterday was slow, today was INFINITELY worse!

We've made maybe $40 this entire day, and have only had about ten customers! It's also ridiculously hot outside, and you already know that my mom gave me a chore list! I temporarily lost hearing in my left ear as a result of one chore.

On the bright side, I'll be house sitting for my neighbor and get to hang out with their dog tonight, so yay for cute puppies and not having to deal with my mother tonight!

The straights were so dire, my family opted to extend the sale into tomorrow afternoon as a last-ditch effort to sell some of our stuff. On the bright side, it'll be a bit cooler out tomorrow so I can count on that.

Tomorrow, I'm also going to meet with a lady who offered me a job watching her shih tzu for about a week and I'm excited about that! It'll be nice to finally get some semblance of work in my life.

Garage Sale of HELL: Day 1

Today I worked nonstop and have basically wanted to hurl myself from a cliff multiple times! On the bright side, I've made $67.

I started the day off by being screamed at to wake up and get ready by my mother and having her bark at me periodically to move faster so I could continue to be a garage sale slave. People WHO ARE CLEARLY ILLITERATE SINCE THEY CAN'T SEEM TO READ THE FREAKING TIME MENTIONED ON THE SIGNS AND IN THE AD WE PLACED started showing up at 8:15. We planned to open up at 9! Needless to say, I was furious. I was angered even more by said illiterate asshats who had parked in our driveway and blocked me in when I needed to drive out and place signs all around my neighborhood. I still hadn't had breakfast, so I was in no mood to be trifled with. Nonetheless, people kept trifling and trifling with me!

I had to work the sale alone while my mom worked and my sister was out golfing. My grandma, aunt, and great aunt (who all were selling things in our sale and taking up all of our space with their useless junk like glass bottles and Ball jars) came throughout the day and helped me out some. 

On top of singlehandedly running this sale for my mother, she had the nerve to give me a freaking CHORE LIST. Because no matter how much I'm doing, it's never enough!

We only had a handful of customers all day, aside from the asshats who came before we were even ready, and still have an ungodly amount of junk to get rid of tomorrow. It was ungodly hot outside, and I'm incredibly hungry and dehydrated. Hopefully, more people will buy things tomorrow and make the whole ordeal worth it. Ideally, I'd like to make $100, but I'm pretty doubtful we'll get there. 

Garage Sales are HELL

All day today, I've been setting up for our garage sale tomorrow and Friday. I'm going absolutely insane!!!!! My entire family has had to work today, so I've basically been setting this whole thing up by myself. It's torturous! 10/10 Emily's would not recommend! I'll be sure to update on the progress and what I make from the sale, but PLEASE send me some positive thoughts, and if you're thinking about having a garage sale, for the sake of all that is good in the world, DON'T SET IT UP ALONE!!!!!!!

My Cedar Point Adventure

Yesterday was an absolutely fantastic day! I started the day off early, Andy picked me up at 8:00. We went out for breakfast, then drove up to his grandparents' condo. They live only 10 minutes away from the park, which is pretty nice! We chatted with them for a while before making our way to Sandusky.

We got to the park at 11:00, and already the place was pretty busy. Cedar Point, especially in the summer, hardly ever has a slow day! We started our time at the park by riding the Blue Streak, Cedar Point's oldest ride, and hardly had to wait in line at all. It was already miserably hot, though. By the end of the ride, we were already covered in sweat. After the Blue Streak, we waited in line for the Raptor, one of the more popular coasters. We had waited for about 45 minutes and still had a very long way to go, so we downloaded an app that updates the wait times for all the rides and perused our options. When we first got to the park, their second-newest coaster, the Gatekeeper, was stopped and people were being taken off. It was down for about an hour, but while we were in line for the Raptor, it opened back up and had only a half-hour wait time! With the big coasters, this is super rare, so we jumped on the opportunity and got out of line. On the way, I had an Oreo Churro, which was A-MAAAAA-ZING! I kinda threw my diet to the wind, but with all the walking and standing and moving I did, I think I turned out okay. 

The Gatekeeper wait was extremely short, and the ride was very smooth and pleasant! After the gatekeeper, we got a snack, and then rented a locker before getting in line for the newest coaster (The Rougarou) and the ever-popular Millennium Force. While we were making it to the Rougarou line, one of the boys I trained from lacrosse saw me and said hello! It was great to see him, and I saw him again later in the day. The line for Rougarou was incredibly hot, sweaty, and ill-shaded so despite my religious applying of sunscreen, I was getting a little bit pink. The ride itself was a bit unpleasant. The Rougarou is on the exact same track as another ride that was formerly The Mantis. The Mantis had you harnessed in and standing up on a platform of sorts, and it was painfully uncomfortable, especially for guys, in the crotch. Because of that, The Mantis was pretty unpopular. Now, The Rougarou is essentially a more comfortable Mantis. It's very jerky and uncomfortable, so I don't think I'll ride it again. 

We waited for about two hours for Millennium Force, but boy was it worth it! Millennium Force is hands-down my favorite roller coasters EVER, and it's been consistently voted as the best coaster in the world. It's incredibly fast, but a very smooth and thrilling ride. If the line wasn't so painfully long, I'd have rode it again and again!

Having stood in the sun and waited in the heat for so long, I was incredibly dehydrated and feeling terrible. So, Andy and I did some more low-key things after relaxing on a bench and getting some water. We drove some antique cars on a track, rode a quiet train ride, then got some dinner at the Chik-Fil-A in the park. After eating, we rode an older, wooden coaster, The Gemini, multiple times. It had absolutely no wait time, which was fantastic, and it's a pretty fun coaster! After that, we worked our way back towards the front of the park and rode the Windseeker (301 foot tall swing ride) which was super peaceful, and then took a walk on the beach while watching the sun set over Lake Erie. It was very pleasant and romantic. After that, we got shared some ice cream, rode two little tame rides, then made our way home.

It was a great day, and it's days like that that I never want to forget

Restarting my diet for the fiftieth time...

Today, I once again restarted dieting and exercising. It's really hard for me to keep up with a healthy lifestyle with my busy schedule, and once I get off track, I really lack the motivation to get back on. So, I'm trying to do things a bit differently than I normally do so I can gradually work back up to being active and eating better. 

Instead of going completely insane trying to set up a regimen, I'm going in with a relaxed approach! I'll exercise as I'm doing other things/do more exercise for "fun" so working out isn't a chore anymore, I'm working on incorporating more fruits and vegetables into my diet, making sure I drink water more regularly, and so on until I'm more comfortable with getting into a real regimen.

Today so far, I've done some small exercises while doing laundry and dishes, I played with my dog, and I did some cardio by boxing in my garage (I haven't done this in about a year!) and jumping rope. I've eaten more fruit and nuts today than I have in the past week, and I've been slightly more watchful about my carb and fat intake! Tonight, I plan on walking my dog and perhaps doing some Pilates/Wii Fit to really start things off right.

Tomorrow, I'm going to Cedar Point with my boyfriend, Andy, so at least I'll be walking and standing a lot! I just have to make sure I don't make too terrible of choices with my food- amusement park food isn't really famous for its nutritional value... 

Wish me luck, because I'll need all the support I can get in order to focus so I can finally start creating healthy habits that will last a lifetime.

If you liked this post or know somebody going through the same struggles as I am, please feel free to share it!